Domestic Violence/Last resource...please help me understand
First, thank you for taking the time to read this. I will try and be clear and concise with my story and my questions as I know you answer tons of these...
Growing up I lived with my mom and dad but nothing ever felt right. Things were different in my house. It was common to hear fighting between my dad and mom. I learned very quickly to walk on egg shells so I didn't piss dad off. Around 5 he began being more physical with me, he would grab me very hard and pull me out of the way. The older I got the worse it got. By the time I was 7 I realized things were very different. No dad at my school concert, no mom either. No sleepovers and no friends. I wasn't allowed to play outside very often and when I did I learned very quickly to stay close enough to hear dad whistle. In my preens it became even worse, now there was absolutely no socialization. It was forbidden. If I tried to make a friend he would quickly destroy it. I got my first job when I was 16. He took every cheque I made. It was gone for good.On my 18th birthday, he touched me sexually. I pretended to be asleep praying it would go away. It didn't. It got worse. He cornered me and forced me emotionally to have sex with him. If I did, it would go away. It didn't. I tried leaving before, and it made the abuse even worse. Now, I'm 26 in July still have no friend, still being sexually abused, still losing my cheques, still emotionally manipulates me constantly. It's never going to end. Ever.
Is he a narcasstic dad? Help me understand what I'm dealing with, please.
Emotionally I'm falling apart. I feel like it's too late for me to become normal. I've never been on a date never had a bf never been out for dinner or went to a friends. Still don't have any. I am completely alone and I've accepted it. I need your help though. Please help me understand what this life is? What he is? I deserve that much. I deserve to know what this hell is.
Will I ever be normal? How do I escape? How do I keep myself mentally stable any longer. I have no one to talk to. No one. I find people online to chat with but no one listens. How do I escape from this hell?
I realize these questions are broad but please help me understand this. Will I have a mental illness now? Or do I already?
If this is the life god gave me I will embrace it for as long as he allows me to live but I just want to experience what happy is. Just once.
God bless you. Thank you in advance for any advice
I am sorry for the delay in getting back to you but I've been thinking about how to answer your question.
First, this is not the life that God designed for you. As you overcome this adversity, you as well as so many others who have faced trauma along these lines can become strengthened and perhaps use your experiences to help others. That is what makes pain worth it, is if you can use it to help others overcome their circumstances. I use that kind of experience every day in my counseling practice.
Not knowing your father, it would be impossible to say exactly what is going on with him, however it could be a personality disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder or even Anti-Social Personality Disorder. There are other mental health issues that could contribute to his behavior, however these would be at the top of my list. He is a predator, he is dangerous to you and you have to get away from him. If these mental health issues are indeed true, there may be no way that you will be able to make it stop any other way than to leave if you are unable to stand up to him and deny him access to your money and your body.
You said that you left before and it made the abuse worse. I don't understand that. If I were you, I would take my next check, get on a plane or a bus and get out of town. I know that is a radical action, but it would solve your current problem. There are women's shelters that you can stay at in most communities and help available through those shelters to get you on your feet and get you the counseling you need to be able to overcome the abuse you have suffered over the years. If you have one in your city, you might contact them and ask them to help you develop a plan to leave. They may have contacts in other cities that they could put you together with so that when you get there, there is someone to meet you. I would not tell anyone where you have gone, just go and make a life for yourself in another place.
Aside from that, I would go to the police in your city, tell your story and ask what can be done. You may be able to press charges against him for child abuse that you are not aware of and if you did that, it could get him away from you long enough to be able to develop a plan to get to safety.
Yes, you can heal from this. It will take strength on your part and a team of people to help you, but it is possible.
Many blessings to you Celina. This is a tragedy and a very difficult situation, but you can overcome it. If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.