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I've been dating this guy for only 6 months now.  I spend a lot of time with him.He's sweet and caring and trustworthy. I live him a lot. Its just that when we have arguments things change a little.  Once we were arguing and he punched a hole through the wall and hurt his hand.  He usually punches stuff but doesn't break stuff. When these things occur he then says stuff like if we continue arguing like this I can hurt myself. He then asks if I care if he hurts himself but I know that's manipulation.  We were raised a lot differently so its hard to understand how he thinks and does things but I'm trying to understand and so is he. I love him so much. I just don't know if this is normal or not.  Thank you for taking the time to help me. It means so much.  Thank you.

Hi Tatianna,

Listen to your inner voice and believe what you are seeing. Punching holes through walls is NOT a good sign. And the question is will he punch you the next time instead of the wall or throw something at you and hurt you?

It is NOT your fault that he reacts in this manner. If he wants to stop reacting in such ways, he needs to see a professional counselor to help him respond in more appropriate ways. If he doesn't learn different ways of handling his frustration, anger or whatever he is feeling, then he will continue to blame you and make it your fault or play the manipulation games.

Looking at the whole package is important to do--not just the good and fun times. If he is unable to control his anger and learn different ways of expressing himself, then you will always live in fear that he may hurt you. Living in fear to keep him happy is NOT a healthy relationship and will affect your self-esteem and your ability to live a happy and joyful life.

If he refuses to see a professional counselor, then he will not change his ways so then the question for you is, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who reacts in such ways that negatively affects you? Or wonder if he will hurt you the next time?

Please keep writing and asking questions. You deserve the very best in life and making good decisions about the people who you want to be around is in your power.

Much peace to you,

Coach Cathy

Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Domestic Violence Education  

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Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence


Are you feeling confused, angry, scared or hurt? Are you being yelled at, hit, threaten or told what to do? Do you worry or fear the safety of yourself, your family or pets? These are all signs of an abusive relationship, and I can help you determine if you are in an unhealthy or dangerous situation. No one deserves to live a life filled with fear, pain and abuse, and I am here to help you find ways for a better life--everyone deserves to live a life without fear and abuse. Your questions will be answered with honesty and respect. Please ask questions today to help you find better ways to live a more loving and happier life for you and your family. Let me help you!


I am a Certified Life Coach Specializing in Abuse and Domestic Violence.

•SPARCC (Safe Place And Rape Crisis Center), Sarasota, FL •CAT (Sarasota Violence Prevention Community Action Team) •Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

Please visit my webpage for more information and articles about abusive relationships and domestic violence at or www.DomesticViolence-Education.

•B.S. from Evergreen State College, Olympia, WA •Core Competency Course from the Shelter for Abused Women and Children, Naples, Fl •Life Coach Training from Changepoint Coaching & Consulting Association •Advanced Training from The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education •Sexual Violence Core Training from Florida Council Against Sexual Violence •High Risk Domestic Violence Training by Lundy Bancroft and Sarasota Police Department, Fl •Court Assistance Training from SPARCC (Safe Place and Rape Crisis Center), Sarasota, FL •Principles of Prevention by The Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

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