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Domestic Violence/Am I in an abusive relationship?


I'm not sure if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship or I'm being overly sensitive. My boyfriend & I live together. This is our second attempt. We lived together last year & I left for a few reasons. One being his anger. He seemed to have changed so here I am again. Everything is great as long as I don't make him angry. If I do then he yells, calls me names, drags up everything from our past and is completely wrong on why I left the last time. Everything is my fault. He yells over me and if I try to defend myself I'm a "stupid bitch". He told me the other night that I didn't need to "push" him when he was angry because he saw in his head throwing me through the wall. Said that would be bad for both of us. I would leave in an ambulance & him in handcuffs. He has banged my head into a wall once before when we had an arguement. I go nowhere & literally wait on him hand & foot. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells so I don't anger him. If I'm upset or hurt about something he's said or done & mention it he gets angry. Tells me I'm stupid for feeling that way. Like I said everything is great as long as I don't upset him. I just need to know if this is something I'm making too much out of or something that could get worse. I do love him very much but I feel trapped. I cry a lot & feel unhappy most of the time. Oh and he's always sorry. Please help.

Dear Tonya,
There is a cycle to abuse.  It starts with a lead up to whatever the event is...that lead up can be tension, walking on eggshells around the person, anxiety or whatever.  Then the event happens and after it is over, the abuser makes excuses, says they are sorry, promises to never do it again etc.  If the victim forgives and believes the person, they go into a honeymoon stage and from there the pattern repeats itself.  

What needs to happen is that after the event, there needs to be some concrete steps taken to change the cycle.  That can look like counseling, rehab, anger management, group therapy etc.  There has to be something to evoke change or change doesn't happen.  If the person could change on their own, they would and the cycle would not repeat.

This is a bad situation and you should get out of it.  It doesn't make any difference how nice they are.  A relationship should not have to be something where you put up with the crap just to have the nice times.  The nice times will eventually be shorter and shorter.  This man is dangerous and the best thing you can do is run and not look back.  Don't go back no matter what he says, no matter what he does.  The manipulation is what gets you to stay and if you can't resist it, you need to cut off contact.  Once you pull out of the relationship, if he can engage you in any kind of conversation, he won't stop manipulating until you are back in the relationship and the cycle will start all over again.

I'm sorry that the news is not good, but if he isn't willing to do the work that he needs to do to change this problem...he isn't safe for you to be with.  

I wish you all the best as you make your decisions.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Domestic Violence

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Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP


I am able to answer questions with regard to problems that result from emotional abuse or physical abuse in both dating and marriage relationships. Having been in an abusive relationship for many years, I know first hand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we go through as we try to make decisions about our lives. Often victims of abuse have deep faith based concerns regarding staying in these kinds of relationships which I am able to address as well.


My background started as a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as having family members who were victims of violence and physical abuse. I have gone on to become a professional counselor and I work with abused women.

American Mental Health Counselors Association, American Association of Christian Counselors, International Association of Prayer Counselors

I currently maintain a blog at I also have links and currently written articles on my website at You can also follow me on TWITTER @livingwellcc, or on facebook at Living Well Counseling and Consulting. My writings have appeared in The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal

Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Certified Natural Health Professional

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