Domestic Violence/Can an abuser change?
Ash wrote at 2007-07-30 00:55:25
I have witnessed domestic abuser in my family and I can tell you this. THEY DON'T CHANGE. They just change their attitude, tone and feel guilty as long as things are not in their control As soon as they resume control, old days of abuse is back.
Domestic abuser suffers from a sick mind and needs help from a very good shrink with complete honesty at his end.
If you had been able to save yourself from serious injuries, don't go back to invite something which you would feel sorry for later.
joi wrote at 2007-11-15 18:47:01
Please GET OUT of the relationship!Your Loosing yourself in so many different ways! You need to grow mentally,spiritually and especially emotionally. He makes you think less of yourself and you are letting it happen PLEASE DON'T LOOSE YEARS OF YOUR LIFE
nivedita wrote at 2008-04-19 08:24:26
i am into a similar situation. i loved and married a guy. he was controlling in nature regarding what i will wear, what i will do etc. when i became pregnant he abused me in different ways. he hit me a number of times and slowly i was loosing my self esteem with him . i got a baby and sole financial as well as physical responsibily was mine. he took no interest in me or the baby. his beating , threatening continued and he eventually broke my left arm the bone on the upper hand broke into no. of pieces. i had to have a plate fixed for it. after that there was no regrets from his side and abuse continued. I could not go to police as friends and people around brain washed me saying it is a family matter etc. I left his place and starte staying in a different city. i know it is so painful to come out of a relationship. this has left me with a impared left hand and moreover a soul and heart which is badly injured and i see no sign of heeling. Still i will tell you as i keep on saying to myself...get rid of this man...he is psychologically sick. it is his misfortune that he could not respect a relation. if relation is abused, the relation ends. there is no point in continuing. i feel so sorry for my kid and not sure how the whole matter is going to affect her psychologically. yet i think continuing in the relation will cause ur life risk and more psychological risk for the kid also. So, maybe it will feel bad today but in long run for good of you and your kid....end the trauma here.
flying angels wrote at 2008-05-30 07:17:24
All I can say is it NEVER changes...it is a constant cycle of abusive and manipulation and honeymoon periods. You have to cut the cord and cut it for good!!! Words are the only tools they have and if your ears are not listening, it cant penetrate...
There is no reason to ever feel guilt, that is him pushing his negative energy on you. Take control of your life, see the good, but always keep your eyes open for the red flags.
I wish you peace..
God Bless your wounded soul...
tonya wrote at 2010-05-17 08:39:46
Hi to the woman that is being abused. Trust me i am in the same boat as you.I know exactly how you feel. I have been in therapy for a year. I tell you what though. I went to therapy due to all the emotional and mental abuse. He told me to go study everything on abuse and narcissism. In all my studying I have learned about how they suffer personality disorders and one being psycopath. My abuser has shown no remorse at all and squeezed our son when he was 10 months old and after that yelled at him. My son was sick for 2 days while calling the hospital and them telling me he did not have a fever. Right after because I did not see him do it. I saw how he reacted to the baby and he was scared. He let him sit there for 2 days sick and what he had was croupe. It was an act of God i tell you. Finally after 2 days i had the nerve to finially ask him if he did something to the baby. He cried a bit and said he squeezed him but he did not know how hard, said he did not know why he abused and he did not want to hurt the ones he loved and would go to therapy. I sat in the er with my son for 9 hours doing cat scans and waiting for the results. He only had croupe but i knew what he did. After I got home he yelled at me. Seriously no remorse. Only relieved he got away with it. Still I must think of the psycological damage it has done to my son. The violence got worse. More often and for less. The social workers told me dont wait till he hits you. Well I have had massive brain surgery adn had the first 2 of my top vertebrea removed. He continues to try and break up with me all the time. I started agreeing and one day he tricked me that we were going to talk this out, what i thought was the end. He then reached back and shoved me with a smile on his face. Child Protection got involved after the squeezing incident but he lied. He then later told me he never said that stuff after it happend. The month before I called the police because he kept lunging into me and acting like he was going to hit me, screaming violently to the point he spits. He slammed the door into the wall and looked at me like he was going to kill me. I had been warning him for months to either stop or I will stop it. So I called the cops because he keeps doing this in front of our baby. I am so tired of hearing my child scream in terror. He did not get charges that time but child protection was called again and before they could make it out he got physical. He admited to that because I wrote him a letter saying if he denied anything I am leaving. Lucky me I got them to say he is responsible for child abuse. I have been getting my paper trail because I know how hard it is to prove the other abuse. He goes to court in 2 days for battery on me and will be starting the domestic violence classes. Just in the past 2 weeks he got extremly verbally abusive again, even whild holding our child. I took the baby and left for 2 days. All he does is pretend everything is fine. God forbid I speak of anything. I cant make any plans for the future or for my child. Nothing. I cant make a move. IMy family is 2000 miles away and I have no where to go but home to live with my mom. In a way I feel glad that i will be so far away from him. I am at the tipping point of trying to leave but I gotta pack and it is going to be obvious. Seriously we are scared of what they will do and that is their intention. I know all about the manipulation. It seems everything they say is a lie. It was funny though cause he was calling me names and after telling me how good he has been for a month he then told me he had a truth hurts letter for me that he will give me when I leave. I said thanks because that just told me you were faking it all along. You and I both know we are done. I have stayed not ever wanting to leave him alone with our son because I cant trust him at all. He gets to angry with the baby. I had a part time job i quit to leave him and this was in March and I am still here. I want to go to court and watch him suffer I think. Also the last incident i made another report so that when he goes to court and it shows he has already signed up for the Domestic Violence class to look good for the judge there will be another report of abuse in front of the child no less for that judge to see. I want to seem hopeful but once you really read about narcissism and deeply, you realize how deeply disturbed they are. The most sickening thing of all is that no matter what it is all done on purpose. I think we both need to listen to the answer above and I have a friend whose dad was a narcissist and ended up with men just like him, who is now in a good relationship and so happy and that it can be done and we and our children deserve happiness that You and I both know that we are capaple of being. I am looking at being out in 6 to 8 weeks. I need my moms help and she cant make it here till then. I hope I can last. I am just keeping my distance from him. Seriously read everything you can about narcissim, psycopaths, borderline personality disorder and so on. It will give you a profile of your husband and that it is seriously doubtful they will ever change. Sometimes the unknown can be scary but think about how we know our lives are going to be if we stay. That just gives them more power everytime we go back. Good luck and wish me luck to. Also read about stalkhome syndrome and battered womens syndrome.
jhigh420 wrote at 2010-08-25 23:27:42
This guy is still abusing you!! Abuse is not just physical but emotional as well and by the manipulative things he is doing, like playing mind games, you can be sure he hasn't changed at all. If he really had changed he would have quit drinking and waited years for you to forgive him. He is still exhibiting controlling behaviors and the thing he is trying to control is forcing you to be with him. Some people just don't change, and just by you posting this letter I can see you see it for yourself. I know you don't want to move on, but you will only be hurt further staying with this guy.
Kayla wrote at 2014-02-19 22:39:15
Your stories sound EXACTLY like my husband. We have been separated for 8 months already.
I left after he asked me to beg him on my knees for him not to kick me out for having the guts to question him about his 3rd affair.
I decided then that he will never deserve me and that he is the one who did wrong in our marriage. All the years prior he was abusing me both physically and verbally/emotionally.
When I first left, he bawled like a baby in front of his family. After 2 months, he gave me a "time is up" ultimatum unless I go out on dates with him. Within this period wherein he was supposedly supposed to be fixing our marriage, I found out he was professing love to another woman. One who was also cheating on him blatantly and he knew it. Still he was manipulating her and convincing her to choose him over the other guy.
By the 6th month, (after he tried being sweet, then using ignoring tactics, then abusive words EXACTLY the same as the lines used on you that it would be time for him to look for someone else to pursue the happiness he so craves and that I was just a "mistake" and he was never happy from day 1 of our marriage), he asked me on dates again and did the puppy dog eyes tactics.
Come the 7th month, he threatened to kill me and gave me an ultimatum that he would file abandonment charges against me for leaving him and taking our children.
Now on the 8th month, he is super quiet and nice. Very unthreatening. He responds but always with such a toned down Clark Kent personality.
I cannot keep up with all his mood changes and I realized I cannot bear to think of the next years of my life watching out for his abuse (if ever he does it again) and watching out for women he might be cheating with as there have been many, more than 5 or 6 in varying degrees of severity.