About Kelly Lee Expertise Questions regarding behavioral problems, child development, and alternative strategies are my specialty.
Experience 10 years experience as teacher's assistant, preschool teacher, and child care administrator have given me thousands of hours of experience with children and parents of all kinds. I also taught child development and child care classes to early childhood educators for three years. Successfully completed the National Administrator's Credential and Administrator's Brain Smart Training as offered by the University of Oklahoma.
Education/Credentials I have a Bachelor's in Family Psychology, and quite a few graduate hours in Early Childhood Education. On top of that, I have on-the-job experience as a mother of three.
Expert: Kelly Lee Date: 3/6/2008 Subject: 5 year old daughter won't speak to men
Question My daughter is 5 years old and is a very smart little girl. She is in 1st grade and does very well with a woman teacher. She has always done well around other people, except men. We have always taken her to the nursery or Sunday School at church since she was an infant. She went to preschool and was in a playgroup. We did not want her to be afraid to be away from us. This has never a problem before, or so we thought. As a matter of fact, we just recently realized that it was only men that she doesn't talk to. She began Taekwondo 3 weeks ago and it is conducted military style. They are required to respond with yes, sir and no, sir. After about 7 classes, she still has never answered. One class she spoke, but it was not to her instructor. She was partnered with another girl. She usually is the only girl in class, however she is the oldest. What can we do for her to make her more comfortable with men that we say are safe to speak to. She has a great relationship with her dad. They do lots together. He is where she gets her smarts. He and I are absolute extroverts. I have no idea how to handle this. Please give me insight.
Answer Hi Lisa~
I can certainly sense your confusion and concern about this issue. You didn't mention whether you've directly asked your daughter about this so I'm assuming that either you haven't, or that she just hasn't been able to verbalize what the problem is.
I can only guess about what may be happening, and the first thing that comes to my mind is that she simply has not had enough exposure to comfortable interactions with men. For children and animals both, men are more intimidating creatures than women at first glance. They are bigger, they don't usually have as many soft, cuddly spots, their voices are deeper and louder, and they move and behave differently than women, and if a child is shy or in distress they are simply more familiar with being comforted by women.
The experiences that you have provided for your daughter are good for reducing stranger anxiety in general, but traditional child care and preschool situations have few men around. It's too bad, because most of the men I know are just as good with kids as women, but it's a traditional role thing.
If the above is the case, providing some indirect male adult companionship may start to show results over time. If she has an uncle who would be willing to spend a few hours a week at your house, or if one of you has a male friend from work or church who would be willing, you could begin a desensitization process: two or three men who could hang out at your house (one at a time), in your daughter's presence with the safety of mom and dad there too.
When she's able to begin to interact with men who are around a lot, you could move to visiting other willing men frequently, at their place of work, or visiting their home, encouraging her to interact but letting her move at her own pace.
Eventually, she would be able, on your direction and with your support, to greet a man that mom or dad knows is safe, but that she has seen very little of or not met before.
This is a time-consuming process with a lot of organization and work on your part, but a gentle and reassuring way of getting her to interact with men. She may never be fully comfortable with them, but at least she'll be able to interact with them enough to get by in school, at church, and in public with her parents.
