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English as a Second Language/Essay about a sigificant event (proofread)

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Question
Dear Shannon,

I proofread the essay below for my student. Please let me know whether I am correct.

"One day “on” (1) July my family decided to fly to London to have a holiday there. It was ten years ago and I was seven years old. First I thought that “whizzing” (2) through the sky in a jet “is” (3) both exciting and comfortable. “When” (4) the jet engines started to work, I felt scared because of “its” (5) loud whizzing. Then suddenly I heard the voice of the pilot explaining “take off” (6) procedures and offering “data” (7) about the flight. After that, smoothly and quietly (8) we lifted from (9) the runway.  “At that moment” (10) I felt “a strange feelings” (11) when I saw the whole airport “as” (12) a small button on the ground. Finally (13) I shall never forget the excitement of my first jet flight and never in my life shall I fear jets again."

My proofreading:
"One day in July my family decided to fly to London to have a holiday there. It was ten years ago and I was only seven years old. First I thought that flying through the sky in a jet “was” both exciting and comfortable, but when the jet engines started to work, I felt scared because of their loud whizzing. Then suddenly I heard the voice of the pilot explaining the take-off procedures and offering information about the flight. After that, smoothly and quietly, we left the runway.  Few minutes later, I felt a strange feeling when I saw the whole airport like a small button on the ground. Finally, I shall never forget the excitement of my first jet flight and never in my life shall I fear jets again."
1.   In July, instead of on July (correct preposition)
2.   flying instead of whizzing (whizzing is the sound of the engines)
3.   was instead of is (the appropriate sequence of tense)
4.   comma plus but when (conjunction added)
5.   Their instead of its (engines is plural)
6.   The plus take-off (definite article plus the word hyphenated)
7.   Information instead of data (data is more scientific)
8.   Comma after quietly (adverb)
9.   Left instead of lifted from (incorrect wordings)
10.   Few minutes later instead of at that moment (more logical)
11.   A strange feeling instead of feelings (singular with singular)
12.   Like instead of as (like refer to simile rather than as)
13.   Comma after finally (adverb)

Thanks a lot for your precious help.

Best regards,
Antoine Ghannoum

Answer
Good editing.  The only one that I might further clarify is where he says "... I felt a strange feeling when I saw the whole airport like a small button on the ground."   I would probably say, "... I felt a strange feeling when the whole airport appeared as if it were a small button on the ground" because it seems more natural.

English as a Second Language

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Shannon Cole

Expertise

I can answer questions related to learning the English and Spanish language.

Experience

I have taught ESL and Spanish since 1998 at the university and middle school levels. I am a native of the U.S., and have taught in both the U.S. and Mexico.

Organizations
I am owner and operator of www.coleinstitute.com, an online language school.

Publications
Georgia TESOL in Action (1999)

Education/Credentials
B.A. in Spanish; M.Ed. in Language Education

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I have clients worldwide, some who want their documents proofread, and others who take lessons with me through the Internet. Some work at high-profile companies and government organizations. Besides the U.S. and Mexico, my recent students come from South Korea, Switzerland, Turkey, Colombia, Russia, Italy, Paraguay, China, Japan, the Philippines, and Saudi Arabia.

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