English as a Second Language/Could you check my essay

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Question
Comment on the following statement. Lots of teenagers want to work part-time to earn their pocket money. However, their parents are often against it.
What is your opinion?

Nowadays more and more teenagers try to work in order to have their own money. They want to work in order to be more independent and have their own money to afford to buy what they wish. Most parents do not want their children to work during their spare time as they are afraid it will negatively influence their children's studies.
 As far as I am concerned, I strongly believe it is quite useful for teenager to work part time in the parallel with their studies. First of all, it can teach them to value the cost of money. Secondly, most part -time jobs for teenagers are unskilled and low paid. So it can stimulate them to study better in order to have more well paid jobs and pursue more worthwhile career. Thirdly,  any experience are a great favor for future career.
 On the other hand,  numerous leading psychologists claim that teenagers who work part time usually  do not achieve high results in their studies. That's why many parents are strongly against the possibility of their children working.
To sum up,  it is very tough question if teenagers must be allowed to work part time.  I think that if part time job will not be at the expense of studies then there is no harm. Part time job sometimes can teach teenagers such skills which they can never obtain at school.  Parents must give their offspring to show their worth.

Answer
Mila,

I will use the same * "system" I used in my previous question so it's easier for you to tell where I made changes.

Nowadays more and more teenagers try to work in order to have their own money. They want to work *so they are more independent and * so they can afford to buy what they wish. Most parents *though do not want their children to work during their spare time as they are afraid it will negatively influence their children's studies.

As far as I am concerned, I strongly believe it is quite useful for *teenagers to work part time in the parallel with their studies. First of all, *work can teach them *the real value of money. Secondly, most part-time jobs for teenagers are unskilled and low paid. * This can stimulate them to *continue to study in order to have *better paid jobs and pursue more worthwhile *careers. Thirdly,  any *work experience *can count as a stepping stone for a future career.

On the other hand,  numerous leading psychologists claim that teenagers who work part time *while going to school, tend to have lower academic achievements compared to their non-working peers. That's why many parents are strongly against the possibility of their children working.

To sum up, *the question of whether teenagers must be allowed to work part time is a difficult one to answer.  I think that if part time *jobs do not come at the expense of their studies, then there is no harm. Part time *jobs can sometimes teach teenagers * certain skills they can never *learn *in school.  * In my opinion, parents must *allow their *offspring to show their worth.

As before, I hope this helps.

Looking forward to more of your questions.

Best regards,

English as a Second Language

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Amy Baker

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I can answer question about grammar, spelling, syntax, idioms, reading and/or writing that pertain to English as a Second Language. I am knowledgeable about both TOEFL and IELTS.

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