English as a Second Language/proofreading please

Advertisement


Question
Dear Amy,
Could you please proofread my assignment?
Writing a Personal Statement to a University


  Science has been my passion since I was a child. I used to watch my grandfather assemble and disassemble his electronic devices. He had no studies but his willing and curiosity to learn something new caught my eyes and heart. As I got older, that love grew stronger, just like the need to know more and more about how things worked. At high school, I shared myself between the magic of life and by the rationalism of numbers. Due to this fact, choosing a career was not an easy decision to make until my father suggested me that there would be a course which might blend all my needs. Biomedical Engineering turned out to be the best choice I could ever make.

  As soon as I completed my first year I got a scholarship from CNPQ  to work in the Laboratory of Bioinformatics at my University, researching  how the immunologic  system is deceived by unique structural factor of Flavivirus, specially about "Deng" virus, the promoter of a concerning  disease. That was my first contact with the academic research area. I loved to work with bioinformatics. However, I really wanted the opportunity of deepening my knowledge in the fascinating field of how our movements and commands work in a more engineering way.   My instigation about the interface among human and machines and its mechanisms kept me working in different areas and led me to discover the Bionic Prosthesis field. I cultivated a huge interest in helping people to improve their movements with an artificial limb and saw in Science  without Borders Program an amazing opportunity to learn in major health and engineering research centers at Universities in the United States.

  In my spare time, I like reading fiction books and dancing. I like the feeling of being out of the world for a few hours. Playing volleyball and spending some quality time with my friends and family are a few other things I enjoy as well. Inside the university, I volunteer at EMBS IEEE Program, for me is an exquisite way of learning not only the basis of Biomedical Engineering and the transition between the academics and the professionals but also put into practice concepts as leadership, effective communication and determination to pursue my projects.
  It is extremely important the background that this year abroad will provide for me and my career in the near future. I intend to learn as much as I can, so I can use the knowledge I am going to acquire to help my country and the bionic prosthesis field in general, with its challenges. My goal is to improve the control and comfort of the prosthesis of the artificial limb users. I have this great ambition to become someone who will make a positive difference in the world and this is my chance to start doing something about it. I am absolutely ready for all the experiences this new journey will bring me.

Answer
Hello Diego,

Thank you for trusting me with your work. Please find below the proofread version of your essay:

Science has been my passion since I was a child. I remember fondly how I used to spend countless hours watch my grandfather assemble and disassemble his electronic devices. He had no  studies but his willingness and curiosity to learn something new caught my eyes and captured my heart. As I got older, the love for science grew stronger, along with the need to know more and more about how things worked. In high school, I my interests were divided between the magic of life and by the rationalism of numbers. Due to this fact, choosing a career was not an easy decision to make until my father suggested me that there would be a course that may combine all my needs. Biomedical Engineering turned out to be the best choice I could ever make.

As soon as I completed my first undergraduate year I got a scholarship from the CNPQ  to work in the Laboratory of Bioinformatics at my University. I was give the opportunity to research the way the immunologic  system is deceived by the unique structural factor of Flavivirus, particularly the "Dengue" virus, the promoter of a dangerous disease. That was my first contact with the academic research area. I loved working in bioinformatics. However, I really wanted the opportunity of deepening my knowledge in the fascinating field of how our movements and commands work from an engineering point of view. My passion about the interface between humans and machines kept me working in different areas and led me to the discovery of the Bionic Prosthesis field. I developed a huge interest in helping people with artificial limbs to improve their movements. With that in mind, when I discovered the Science  without Borders Program I immediately saw the amazing opportunity of learning in some of the major health and engineering research centers and Universities in the United States

In my spare time, I like reading fiction books and dancing. I also enjoy playing volleyball and spending some quality time with my friends and family. At school, as part of my extracurricular activities, I enjoy volunteer my time with the EMBS IEEE Program. I consider this volunteer experience to be a win-win situation on several levels. First and foremost I get to help others and this is a reward in itself.  At the same time, this program provides me with an exquisite way of learning  the basis of Biomedical Engineering while helping me experience the transition  from the academic to the professional world. Last but not least, I also have the opportunity to put into practice my leadership and my effective communication skills while demonstrating determination in pursuing my projects.

It is my strong belief that the kind of experience this year abroad could provide me will be an invaluable asset for me and my future career. I intend to learn as much as I can, so I can use the knowledge I am going to acquire to help my country and the bionic prosthesis field in general, with its challenges. My ultimate goal is to improve the control and comfort of the prosthesis of the artificial limb users. I have this great ambition to become someone who will make a positive difference in the world and this is my chance to start doing something about it. I am absolutely ready for all the experiences this new journey will bring me.

A couple of comments:

Excellently written essay. I made some minor changes here and there, but nothing to change the content or the ideas you have tried expressing on your own.

You may want to spell out the full names associated with CNPQ, EMBS and IEEE as the people who read your letter/essay may or may not be familiar with the meanings of these.

You mentioned the "Deng" virus - not sure if this is the same thing you have in mind, but I believe the correct spelling here is "dengue"...I may be wrong though. If so, please disregard my correction in the text above and stick to "Deng".

You wrote "concerning" disease - I took the liberty and changed it into "dangerous" disease. Not sure what you mean by concerning disease.

In the 3rd paragraph, I took the liberty of eliminating this phrase: " I like the feeling of being out of the world for a few hours." I am not sure what you mean by that and I didn't know how to modify it to make it appropriate here. If you need to, please follow up with me so we can clarify this together.

Please feel free to follow up with me if there is anything in your essay that you feel you still need to work on.

Looking forward to more of your questions in the future.

Best regards,  

English as a Second Language

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Amy Baker

Expertise

I can answer question about grammar, spelling, syntax, idioms, reading and/or writing that pertain to English as a Second Language. I am knowledgeable about both TOEFL and IELTS.

Experience

I'm a certified ESL teacher with 12 years of experience teaching K-12 and adults.

Education/Credentials
BSc MEd TESL post grad program for k-12 TESL post grad program for adult ed

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.