English as a Second Language/application

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Question
is this application correct, please make changes if required.


Director CIMR,
Punjab University Lahore.


Subject : Application for Departmental Scholarship


I Mirza Wajid Ali s/o Mirza Azhar Ali, MS.c Part II, want to make a humble request.In my previous year i got the departmental scholarship for being on merit. This year too, i got good marks in my finals, of Part I. As per the rules of the department, departmental scholarship is only awarded once in a two year.But i request the department to please consider me worthy and grant me with the departmental scholarship again.

Thanking in anticipation.



         Yours Sincerely,
         Mirza Wajid Ali,
            MS.C Part II ,CIMR.

Answer
Hi Kim,

please find below the proofread version of your application:

To: The CIMR Director of the Punjab University Lahore.


Subject : Application for Departmental Scholarship


I Mirza Wajid Ali son of (this is an official letter so abbreviations are not OK, I assume that s/o means son of as it can have so many other meanings) Mirza Azhar Ali, MS.c Part II (I have no idea what you mean by MS.c Part II, but anyway, this makes no sense to me so please get back to me with some more info so I can further advise) , want to make a humble request. Last year I was awarded the departmental scholarship based on my good grades. This year I have again received good marks in my finals, of Part I (not sure what you mean by "of Part I" but this is not correct, again, follow up please so we can fix this). As per the rules of the department, this type of scholarship is only awarded once in a two year period. While I am aware of the rules, I would like for the department to please consider granting me the departmental scholarship again.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

    Yours Sincerely,
         Mirza Wajid Ali,
            MS.C Part II ,CIMR.

In my opinion you'd have to add some more info to this letter of yours. I suggest some special achievements of yours that would give the department some better reason to award you this scholarship. It is obviously up to you if you want to do that or not.

Anyway, please provide me with the info I requested above so I can help you finalize your letter.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best,  

English as a Second Language

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