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English as a Second Language/Music essay could you help please thanks

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Question
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the
following topic:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need
music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the
International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
You should write at least 250 words.
Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples
and relevant evidence.
Music, which has lots of different types, is an integral part of any culture. Music is indispensable recourse of any civilized society as it presents its identity. Russian people love both traditional and international music. However, traditional music in Russia is much more important that the International music.
Without a doubt music is a necessity for people. In my opinion, Russian traditional music is so important because, first of all, Russian folk music unites its people. Secondly, on all official events and ceremonies Russian traditional music is the main attribute. Thirdly, Russian traditional music is so unique that it seems that people of all ages  love it.
Foreign people who are lucky to hear once Russian music are fascinated by its beauty and tune. Nevertheless, modern international music is very popular especially among youth while elder people prefer quiet and peaceful tunes of folk music. It must be admitted that both international and traditional music is heard almost everywhere. Foreign language teachers use international music as a main and effective method of teaching foreign languages. Many foreign famous singers visit Russia with their performances which are attended by lots of people. The most popular foreign musical bands in Russia is Beatles and Rammstein.
To sum up, Russian folk music is essential part of nation and must be preserved for future generations. But international music is needed too as it is also one of the way to be more tolerant and  close to other nations let alone all music is enjoyable and help to relax.

Answer
Music is an integral part of any culture as well as an indispensable resource of any civilized society. Some say that music represents the identity of a society. Russian people love both their traditional/local music and international music. However, traditional music in Russia is much more important that the international one.

Music is, without a doubt, a necessity for people. In my opinion, Russian traditional music is important because, first of all, Russian folk music unites its people. Secondly, Russian traditional music is the main attribute in all official events and ceremonies. Thirdly, Russian traditional music is so unique that people of all ages  love it.

Foreigners who listen to Russian music are usually fascinated by its beauty and tune. Nevertheless, modern international music is very popular especially among the youth while the elderly prefer the quiet and peaceful tunes of folk music. Nowadays, both international and traditional music is heard almost everywhere. Foreign language teachers use music as a main and effective method of teaching their students. Many famous foreign singers come to Russia to perform, and their concerts are attended by lots of people. The most popular foreign musical bands in Russia are The Beatles and Rammstein.

To sum up, Russian folk music is an essential part of our national culture and must be preserved for future generations. International music is needed too as it is also one of the ways to be more tolerant and  close to other nations. (this sentence doesn't make sense to me) Not to mention that all music is enjoyable and helps us relax.  

English as a Second Language

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Amy Baker

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