AboutJack Marshall Expertise Jack Marshall is President of ProEthics, LTD. and a trainer, lecturer, writer and consultant on a wide range of ethics issues, including day-to-day ethics issues, personal relationships, workplace ethics (including sexual harassment and discrimination of all kinds), management ethics, financial ethics, professional ethics (including law, accounting, fiduciary, medical, and dental), ethics in the arts, politics, and government, and many more. He is an attorney, and a graduate of Harvard college and Georgetown Law Center. Can advise on ethics of accepting personal gifts from bosses or colleagues for good performances at jobs; reporting friends, relatives for drug trafficking, animal abuse, or theft; tape-recording friends or acquaintances; responding to sexual advances from spouses, children, or lovers of friends or relatives; whether to reveal hurtful betrayals to close friends and relatives; sharing credit for good ideas, or blame for bad acts or decisions...
Experience I have been a lawyer, teacher, manager, entrepreneur, actor, playwright, writer, humorist, prosecutor, publisher, researcher, marketer, father, and husband.
Expert: Jack Marshall Date: 7/4/2008 Subject: Religion
Question I am in a bit of a predicament, and wondered if you might be able to offer me some advice? I recently made the decision to end my relationship with my boyfriend of three years. It was a very hard decision to make, but I felt it was the right decision. He became a "born again Christian" and his attitude towards me and his outlook on life changed so dramatically I didn't even recognize him anymore. He was no longer the man I fell in love with.
I a die hard liberal and am actively involved in the women's movement. I am very independent, willful and opinionated. I am also very career oriented. He wanted me to give all that up, marry him(even though I made it clear I did not desire marriage and a family) and become more "submissive" and "obedient". He became possessive and controlling, would belittle me and my opinions etc And he preached at me constantly, telling me I was going to go to hell for being pro-choice, a supporter of gay rights, a feminist etc Our values and beliefs are completely different, in fact they are in direct opposition to each other. He may think my beliefs are immoral, but I feel the same way about his!
He wants us to remain friends, and I would like to. The truth is I love and care about him very much, but am not willing to change who I am and give up everything I hold dear to hang onto him. I thought we could at least be friends, but he won't stop preaching at me and telling me what a bad person I am because I don't believe what he does. He quotes the bible all the time. I have asked him on more than one occasion to please respect that I feel differently than he does, and tried to steer the conversation in another direction. But he persists. In fact, he doesn't want to discuss ANY other topic(I.e. Books, movies, travel etc). He says he loves me and doesn't want to see me go to hell, which is why he keeps preaching. What should I do? Please help.
Sincerely,
Michelle
Answer I suspect you know the answer. One can be friends with those who don't hold your core views assuming the differences don't cause a lack of trust or respect. But your ex is in the throes of an obsession. One can't be friends with someone while they are like that. Such individuals don't respect your right to be yourself; they are "true believers," and have abandoned the Golden Rule (How would they like it if their close friends did nothing but tell them that they had to change their core views or go to hell?).
The odds are that this will pass; it usually does: I've been through this exact problem with an ex-fiancee. But UNTIL it does, every second you spend with him makes the friendship less likely to survive. It is inconsiderate and unethical to insist that only the narrow topics you care to discuss can be broached. Don't tolerate it. It's fine to argue about religion, politics or anything else as long as the discussion can be kept rational, civil, and respectful. But this is a dead end relationship until HE changes and realizes that thinking he has all the answers doesn't mean he has the right to ram them down the throats of everyone else. he doesn't. It is not acceptible conduct.
Again: he should get over this. Wait until he does, and hope he does. Good luck.
