AboutBill Radvansky Expertise Questions of applying personal and ethical morality to everyday problems, decisions, and dealing with others. Questions regarding compromise and situational ethics and pragmatism.
Experience I am a High school teacher, preacher,counsellor, high school speaker, and am a retired police officer.
Publications I am currently writing a book which is due out late next year.
Education/Credentials Emmanuel Baptist Theological Seminary, Newington, CT
Western Penn. Theological Institute, New Kensington, PA
Pennsylvania State Police Academy
Past/Present Clients Federal and state prisons, High Schools, Homeless Missions, Veterans Center(268center.com)
Expert: Bill Radvansky Date: 7/4/2008 Subject: A tough situation
Question I am in a bit of a predicament, and wondered if you might be able to offer me some advice? I recently made the decision to end my relationship with my boyfriend of three years. It was a very hard decision to make, but I felt it was the right decision. He became a "born again Christian" and his attitude towards me and his outlook on life changed so dramatically I didn't even recognize him anymore. He was no longer the man I fell in love with.
I a die hard liberal and am actively involved in the women's movement. I am very independent, willful and opinionated. I am also very career oriented. He wanted me to give all that up, marry him(even though I made it clear I did not desire marriage and a family) and become more "submissive" and "obedient". He became possessive and controlling, would belittle me and my opinions etc And he preached at me constantly, telling me I was going to go to hell for being pro-choice, a supporter of gay rights, a feminist etc Our values and beliefs are completely different, in fact they are in direct opposition to each other. He may think my beliefs are immoral, but I feel the same way about his!
He wants us to remain friends, and I would like to. The truth is I love and care about him very much, but am not willing to change who I am and give up everything I hold dear to hang onto him. I thought we could at least be friends, but he won't stop preaching at me and telling me what a bad person I am because I don't believe what he does. He quotes the bible all the time. I have asked him on more than one occasion to please respect that I feel differently than he does, and tried to steer the conversation in another direction. But he persists. In fact, he doesn't want to discuss ANY other topic(I.e. Books, movies, travel etc). He says he loves me and doesn't want to see me go to hell, which is why he keeps preaching. What should I do? Please help.
Sincerely,
Michelle
Answer Dear Michelle, Thank you for allowing me to prayerfully consider your situation and respond in what I hope is an unbiased and compassionate way. I commend you in seeking counsel on such a difficult situation. What has happened to your boyfriend is what the Bible calls being saved. The Holy Spirit of God has convicted his heart and he has repented of his former life, his sins, and any ungodly thinking which he may have had. He has received Jesus Christ as Lord and savior. It is not unusual that having found such deliverance and joy in his new beliefs that he would want to share them with the one(s) that he loves. Being overzealous is a common expression of these feelings. (The most zealous anti-smokers are those who have recently quit.) Please don’t fault him for being immature in the faith as he has been saved for a short period of time. The apostle Paul wrote a letter to the Corinthian church that is included in the Bible in which he wrote, 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new”. The apostle Paul was probably one of the greatest Christians who’ve ever lived. He previously tracked down Christians and had them put to death. After he received Christ as his savior he became the most prolific of the New Testament writers. He instructs new belivers “But in all things approving ourselves as the ministers of God, in much patience, in afflictions, in necessities, in distresses, By pureness, by knowledge, by long suffering, by kindness, by the Holy Ghost, by love unfeigned”. ( 2 Corinthians 6)
The apostle Peter puts it succinctly as he writes in 1 Peter 2: “Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speakings, As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby: If so be ye have tasted that the Lord is gracious” . Paul tells us that after we can handle milk as new born babes, we can go onto the meat of the word. You probably see your friend as obnoxious and trying to “shove down your throat” that which he freely came to believe. Paul writes in Hebrews about those who have a zeal for God but not according to knowledge. As he grows in Christ he will understand that it his not his job to convict you of your sins, but the Holy Spirit. I am not passing judgment or singling you out personally as a sinner; scripture says that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.
Secondly, he is incorrect when he states that you are going to hell because of what you refer to as “liberal positions”. What we have here is a conflict between two competing world views. His world view is determined by the word of God as he sees it to be the answer for all of mans problems. Your view seems to be more of a secular one, preferring humanism and the endeavors of mankind to decide what is best for everyone. Both appeal to a standard. The discrepancy is, who should our trust be placed in, God who is the creator and ruler of the universe, or sinful man? The only reason that people go to Hell is because they reject Jesus Christ as their savior, the one who died on the cross to pay the penalty for their sin. Jesus said in John 3:36 ‘He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him’. I can tell you from experience that his heart breaks for you and what he perceives as your precarious spiritual condition. When men get afraid they react angrily and judgmentally, and not according to tenderness and understanding. If you would promise him to look into the Bible on your own if he will curtail his “preaching at you” it may assuage his fears that you are “hopeless”.
Finally, scripture is very clear that believers are not to marry unbelievers. 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” Did he really say that you are a bad person because you don’t believe as he does? You are not a bad person. You are a very faithful friend and one who has been dealt something that you never anticipated and is looking for a way to cope with it.
My advice to you is to set him down and tell him to slow things down a little and give you the same opportunity for God to work on your heart the same way that he worked on his. There is nothing wrong with talking about movies, books, travel and other things that would not be immediately connected with ones eternal destiny. You need to be sympathetic that some topics that may be covered by these conversations will no longer be comfortable for him to discuss. He needs to be compassionate with you and realize that just because he experienced an apparent miraculous deliverance from most of the worldly activities of your lives together, doesn’t mean that you can’t continue to have a relationship, albeit on new grounds. He indeed needs to respect your views but you should be able to defend them as more than just something that you believe. I believe that God can work in your heart to reveal himself to you, but that’s something that you have to make the choice to allow him to do. Don’t give up on him Michelle. You may have infinitely more to gain than just his companionship. Bill Radvansky
