Expressing Yourself to Others/Don't know how to feel.
I've been with a guy for one and half year. The relationship was draining on so many levels. See, he's 10 years older than me, we met, talked, and I fell for him really hard. Mainly because he gave me some kind of attention that I craved.
Not long after that he loved me back, we had ups, and many many downs. Age difference, culture difference and experience difference was draining. He acted like my dad rather than my boyfriend. I've stuck with him during his toughest times, he was and still is in love with his ex, and I put up with that. Don't ask me why but I did. I guess I just needed someone.
I went to college and he started being controlling. Jealous, needy and just annoying to be honest. But I stuck with it. With time, and with the many many fights we had I've always known deep down I deserved better. I just had no idea who would want me. I never feel worthy or good enough like the other girls. I always promised myself if someone better came along I'd escape from that relationship. And many good guys came and went. And I stayed with him through everything.
Until the last couple of months, this amazing guy came along, he was crazy about me, would do anything for me, he went through hell to get my number and to earn my trust. When I thought of the qualities I wanted in a future husband, or boyfriend .. everything that he is was everything I wanted and still want.
I've decided to end things with my boyfriend. Reluctantly I did. I am still in love with him but I owe it to myself to be loved more than that. I deserve better that him, and I deserve to be happy and cared for,
I thought I'd be happy with my new "boyfriend" I didn't even allow myself to grieve over my past relationship. My friend told me it's better to jump into a new one so I don't feel pain. I wish I didn't listen to her. I got with him, and he loved me like no one ever has, he would buy me things, care for me, spoil me, and much more. But I couldn't feel love. I couldn't feel the least bit of attraction towards him. I literally forced myself to like him. I'm not saying I don't like him. I do like him. But I just don't love him. I don't feel that spark. And he felt it. Every time he would get close to me I'd push him away and I hurt him every time. Until last night, he told me he's gonna stop trying and I can't blame him. I told him I don't blame him. He was in pain because of me. So I spilled out everything. I told him I'm afraid of loving anyone again and we should stay friends until I'm ready. He agreed. But he said that he doesn't see a future for us. His words killed me. Because yet again I felt not good enough. Like I can't make him happy even if I wanted to.
He said he's hurt, but he'll be my friend.
I guess what I'm trying to say, what the hell is wrong with me? When he rejected me, I started liking him a bit more. Its twisted. Now I call him and he just acts so polite, like we've never been close. I do like him. I want to be in a relationship with someone like him. I want to be able to let go and move on and be the kind of girl he deserves. I'm just scared he wouldn't want me. Or he wouldn't wait for me till I'm ready. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for writing in and dropping a word. It takes a lot to open up about issues in the back of the mind and when its related to our heart, it takes guts to pen down left alone talk with someone about the same. I appreciate your gesture in pouring your heart felt emotions and seeking a helping hand for the same. Kudos to you !!!
Well you come across as a very sweet and genuine person, who has true emotions in life and also you feel bad when you end up taking someone for granted or end up hurting emotions. It is quite normal for a person to get attracted to people of opp gender for various reasons, which happened in your case also. When you were with your friend you felt that charm, comfort zone, but you always desired to have a fancy boy friend, who could love you like mad, do things for you pamper you, but actually your heart desires true emotions, that's why even being with lovely bf, your heart goes back to your friend who valued you deep within. You do value his feelings and wanted to reciprocate, but somewhere something stopped you and you got carried away. Just sit back and decide your priorities and see who values your wishes in life and never asks you to cut down on your desires. Check out from recollecting moments, who has never let you lose your originality and valued as a person you are. Don't be confused, you have a strong head!!
Just go out and give your best and things would fall in place...
All the best !!
Bringing smiles on the faces on the way .....