Expressing Yourself to Others/communication


Hi I've been seeing this guy for the past 7 months now. I met him under the intention he was just a casual fling. He lives an hour away and i see him about 2 times a month. I'm a single parent he has no kids therefore I have a very hectic schedule. I havent't invited him down yet because i'm just not sure where this is going. He has now verbalized he's developed feelings - that made me feel like I want to run. But at the same time maybe I am starting to develop some as well. I'm feeling like hes getting comfortable in the situation - i drive down waste gas money only to have an encounter. I got him a small gift for his b-day and when mine rolled around I didnt get a card or anything - he did ask if i wanted dinner/drinks but i didnt get to see him till late. It's little things like that which are starting to bother me now -  i feel undervalued. I can tell he tries because he'll ask me to come down early to do things but it's always me pulling away. I'm also evaluating to see what he can offer me if I did let it go the next step. I'm just really confused do you think were better off just platonic? or do I continue this and not put a label on it, because right now it's literally a friends with benefits relationship on my end which is how i've said it will be but it's not easy anymore, maybe i'm getting bored of it I don't know. Will a break help? I'm just starting to question where this is going, i waste gas to drive down only to see him for the night and then i feel like i want to run home, and now i see he's got the best of both worlds a girl scared to commit, free on saturdays and he gets what he wants - yet our conversations can be great and interesting.

Hi Joanna, thx for your question. I think you've said it pretty clearly as you said it twice in your short email, I drive down, waste gas, etc. Sounds like it's pretty one-sided relationship. I don't get the sense there's a lot of effort put in on his part.  He can't even make the effort to pick up a bday card.  If you are feeling used I would say trust your feeling. If you are feeling taken advantage of, you  are being taken advantage of. It sounds like you enjoy the conversations and you can have that via phone, text, email, as friends do. In terms of evaluating what he can offer you in the future, I think you have started off on the wrong foot. You have already made it clear what behaviour (his) is acceptable to you and it's not particularly noteworthy behaviour. It also hasn't "improved" over the course of the 7 months despite that he says he's developing feelings. If you want to reframe the whole scenario I would say that one important thing he has offered you is some insight into what you are looking for in your next relationship!  Or, to put it another way, what you don't want in your next relationship!  I hope that is helpful. It sounds like you are pretty clear on what needs to happen here. All the best.


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Expressing Yourself to Others

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Shanac M.A. Counselling Psychology


Please note: At this time (September 2013) I will respond with a brief, helpful answer. You will have an opportunity to reply back. Should you desire more in depth feedback of the situation there is a (min) $15 donation fee. Your question will be answered within 90 minutes if it is received between 9:30 am- 5 pm Pacific time. I appreciate your understanding that my time is valuable and that I am a very skilled therapist. Please take your time to review my ratings. I am a relationship therapist and have worked in this area for the past 22+ years. If you are having difficulty in your current relationship, or are wanting to get into a relationship, don`t know how to get your point across, feel unheard, insecure, confused, etc. then I can help you.


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