About Eric Expertise I help people with child custody questions and strategies to steer them in directions to achieve a good outcome for their child(ren) during divorce and separation. I don't answer questions specific to technical legal matters that vary from state to state. I don't answer questions about the financial side of divorce (except child support).
Experience I run a child custody advice website filled with resources for folks who are going through this difficult time.
Question QUESTION: My X husband moved to OK (I live in TX). Our 9 yr old daughter is refusing to visit this summer on his 30 day visitation right. She obsolutely hates going to his house because he is never there. He works out of town most of the time and Heather is left with his girlfriend, whom of course hates me... They drink every day and smoke like chimneys in the house even though Heather has told them it bothers her and hurts her eyes and throat. I have kept a running journal of every event that happens while Heather is visiting. The girlfriend does not allow heather to call me and never answers when I call to check on Heather. It is very difficult for me to go days with out hearing from Heather ! She (the girlfriend)has sent me an email letting me know that "just because I call doesn't mean she is going to let me talk to Heather". They have dropped Heather off at the local skating rink several times with out adult supervision... i was furious !!! I can't stand the thought of Heather being with this woman (young girl - she is only 22). Her father NEVER calls her, NEVER even writes her.. Doesn't care to check on her....Am I the only one that sees a problem with this? It's like Heather is visiting a stranger a couple times a year. There is so much more I could go into detail about but I will start with this. Would you mind sharing your opinion with me, please? Thank you !
ANSWER: Hello,
Thanks for writing.
I've read through your list of problems you feel exist in the father's home.
Now, I'll ask back to you... what is your proposal for this child's best interest, with regards to a parenting plan?
That's what the judge will expect you to provide.
If you can't come up with an outline of what you think is best for the child, you're just left with complaints (and that helps nobody).
So... what would you like to see implemented?
Eric
www.CustodyIQ.com
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QUESTION: What i would like see is a healthy environment for Heather when she visits her dad. I would like her to feel comfortable and enjoy her stay. This they have proven to be impossible. I do not want to keep Heather from her dad but do you see it possible to have the visitation modified by the judge in this case. shorter visits... and visitation only when her father will be present the entire time. Ask that they stop drinking in front of her and smoking in her face.... is this to much to ask of her own father?
Answer Hi,
I think your desires are reasonable, but again, it has to be boiled down into definable actions and behaviors that can be made into court orders.
Clearly, it IS too much to ask of the man who you selected for her father, so you should pursue a legal action to at least define what must happen while supporting the father/daughter bond.
Some examples are:
1. Get a note from her pediatrician recommending that she not be exposed to second-hand smoke. Use that as evidence to seek orders that nobody will smoke in either house while child is present.
2. Factually and briefly outline your difficulty reaching your daughter by phone. Seek orders that say each parent may call child once daily while not with her, and if a parent leaves a message seeking a return call, the other parent will have child return the call on the same day. Neither parent shall monitor or listen in on the conversation between child and other parent.
3. Seek orders that no adult will drink in either home while child is present.
4. Use evidence to outline how much dad is away. Seek orders to modify the summer period to a more realistic schedule (e.g., rather than 30 days, do four 4-day periods during which dad must not be gone more than six hours on any of the days).
5. Factually and briefly outline your difficulties with new girlfriend. Seek orders that parents shall not use third parties to communicate with each other about daughter.
6. Seek orders that neither parent shall not leave child unsupervised by a responsible adult known by at least one parent (i.e., addresses your skating rink incident).
So -- nothing is going to change dad or his girlfriend. But tight orders like this are instructions for both parents on how to behave more appropriately. It's much better than what you currently have, and it sets you up for going back to court after these orders are violated.
Your goal via this process is to use orders to clean up dad's parenting and let him rise to the occasion, or continually clamp down on what's inappropriate until a judge concludes (in a couple years) that dad's time must really be minimized.
Always focus on best interest of the child. It's irrelevant and distracting to introduce how YOU feel not talking to child. It's more important to say, "I never restrict phone access between child and her father, as I know that is important for child's connection to each parent. Because the same isn't shown to me, for supporting daughter's relationships with her parents, it's clear that we need court orders to force the right thing for our child."
