Expert: Jeff Laatsch - 10/10/2007

Question
Hi. . .my husband has sole legal and physical custody of his 11 and 12 year old children.  The mother lives out of state.  Lately, the 11 year has started to say she doesn't have to listen to me and she knows because she looked it up on the internet.  Are there any specific laws for this, specifically what I am allowed to do and not to do?

Answer
Heather:
DISCLAIMER:
I AM NOT A LAWYER or ATTORNEY. I am someone who has experience in family law issues, and am sharing my OPINION only. For the exact law as it pertains to your specific case contact a Professional Attorney in your county.

First and foremost understand that in any new marriage where there will be a NEW stepmother or NEW stepfather.
Most of the time the step children of the new marriage will cause issues based on their idea they do not have to follow or do anything the new step Mom or Dad says.

However, they are wrong. The Father and Step Mother of the home must work together to support each other in this matter because the home is now shared by both parents not just Mom and children or Dad and children. There are no specific laws to my knowledge which is extensive since I have been through this myself.  statistically speaking you have your work cut out for you, BUT DAD must support you in every decision: There cannot be two way streets, OK.

Here is something I found which I think may help you if you post it on the Refrigerator and have you and dad sign it at the bottom: Print it out on nice stationary.

Stepmothers Bill of Rights  

* Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address
 all issues together.

* I will be part of the decision-making process in my
 marriage and family at all times.

* People outside the immediate family - including ex
 wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans
 that affect my life without my consent.

* I will not be responsible for the welfare of children
 for whom I can set no limits.

* I must be consulted about which children will live with
 us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

* I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores
 will be distributed fairly.

* I will be consulted regarding all family financial
 matters.

* Others may not violate my private space at home, nor
 take or use my possessions without my permission.

* I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.

* My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

The children ages of 11 and 12 years old are at a age where they will test your boundaries: DAD and YOU need to have a FAMILY MEETING one night to clear the air and set the above boundaries: You are responsible for these children when left in your care: THEREFORE they must earn the respect AND you must earn their respect.

This usually works best at explaining to them that you do not replace their MOM. They can call you by your first name anytime which usually works best for them because then they feel like they have not forsaken Mom or Dad.

WARNING TO YOU:  are bound by adult responsibilities and can be held accountable for anything dealing with possible child abuse so be easy and not as stern as if these were your own children.

Kind Regards,
Jeff