AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I am a licensed Marriage & Family therapist. I work primarily with teens and families on a weekly basis. You will get the straight truth. I will not pull punches.
Experience I have been working daily with teens and families for the last 10 years.
Organizations AAMFT; AACC; WAMFT
Education/Credentials M.S. in Marriage & Family Therapy
Question My father passed little over two years ago and my mother sold their house just this past year. Then my mother and my 9 year old niece (who my mother has custody of) came to live with me, my husband, and our 12 year old son about 6 months ago. I felt this would be a great help to both of us. She is having to raise my niece alone and we work later than school lets out. She could help with bills and caring for the kids since she does not work. Our relationship in the past has been very rocky. I thought this would be a great time for us to help and grow together.
Everything was going ok. But lately it has been hard on everyone. I don’t want to go home and deal with her. And it is my home. I feel she doesn’t respect me, my family, my house and my rules and thinks I should carter to my niece. She states that everything is "unfair" for my niece. That my son gets more and why shouldn’t my niece. I don’t agree. I cannot help that my sister didn’t want to raise her own child and my mother chose to do this. And my son has other grandparents, aunts and uncles who doat over him. I don’t understand how this is "unfair" to my niece. I feel I do my best to be good to her and my mother.
Now since I will not let my niece do everything and have everything my son has, she has been mean. She yells at my son to do what she wants him to. My niece and my son argue all the time. She only sleeps, eats, watches TV, and smokes. BTW we are non-smokers. She does smoke outside, thankfully.
At the end of October I suggested my mother start looking for other living arrangements for her and my niece. She was not very happy with that. She has decided to not clean, or cook, or anything really helpful around the house. Before this month my mother would give me extra money for food. She has not bought any food items this month. Or she has but will hide it in her car or in her room. I have bought all the food for the household and I cook every night when I get home from working 8+ hours a day. On the weekends while she is sleeping or just sitting around I will get up early and clean the house. I feel like I have two other children to pick up after and cook for. I am stressed. I don’t know what to do. My husband can’t stand her. She and he do not talk much. I just wanted my mother to move in and be a good grandmother. Let me take most of the load off her shoulders. This isn’t happening. I love her and my niece. I am at a loss. I want her out of my house, but know that she will have to struggle again when she moves out. I feel guilty over this. I want to help her. But at what cost to me?
Answer Joanie,
If you do want her out, you need to give her a date. It sounds like things could be mended if you sat and simply came up with some rules that everyone had to abide by. The challenge would be being able to actually get through the rules without your mother coming unglued. It sounds like the best solution is to have them out. You could give options be willing to talk out a solution or moving out. This way she could choose what to do. It sounds as if she is hurt. I would suggest doing what you can to mend that hurt. If it can't be mended by both sides coming together, then she will need to move out.
David
www.help4life.net
