Expert: Nancy A Jenkins - 3/10/2008

Question
QUESTION: hi mrs. jenkins,

This may not be directly related to this category, but you seem like the most qualified expert, so i thought i would ask you

my girl friend and I dated for almost 6 months.  2 months into our
relationship, she asked me to come home to meet her family and spend
our birthdays together.  they were on back to back days.  her family
lived a 2 hour drive away, while mine lived in another state.  i told her i
wouldnt be able to come because my family wanted to see me for my
bday, and that i rarely get to see my family.

as time went on, her family would be in town from time to time, and she
never asked me to come meet them.  finally, about 2 months into the
relationship, i asked if we could drive down to meet her family.  she
said yes, and we did, and it went great.  when we got back, i told her i
felt as is when her family was in town, she would never ask me to meet
them, and she said 'you never asked.'  i told her that i didnt feel it
was my place to ask.  either way, i met them a couple of times, and they
really liked me.

she told me once that her friends bf had asked her friend to fly home
with him to meet his family, because he wanted to introduce them to her.
 she also asked me to spend the holidays with her family, and then she
would fly down to meet mine.  again i told her i couldnt because i
would probably go home because i  never see my family and they wanted to
see me.  i suggesed that we spend the holidays with our own family's

she then said that we should take a cruise for new years.  i said ok,
and she suggested a cruise which left from where i was from.  we
dicussed it, but i also mentioned some other cruises from other places that
may be more fun.  the next day, she gave me some flimsy excuse of why she
wouldnt be able to fly to where i was from.  i told her eventually she
would have to come down to where i was from.

2.  in addtion to this meeting of my family, it had almost been 6
months, and i had yet to tell her that i loved her.  i did love her, and i
would show her all the time, but i just had never said it.  2 weeks
before it ended, she told me how much she liked me, and me how much i LIKED
her, and i told her a lot.  was she trying to get me to tell her that
i loved her?

3.  we would also talk about marriage, and she would tell me how she
wanted to get married in 2 years, and i said that was fine.  

she told me she wanted a break.  a week later, i called her and left
her a message telling her how i wanted her forever, how much she meant to
me, and how much i cared for her.  she responded by saying 'i dont
feel the same way about you as you do about me, and that isnt fair to
you.'

Questions:  1.  do you think the fact that i didnt tell her that i
loved her, and that i never directly invited her to meet my parents, was a
factor in the break up.  

2.  are these the type of things that would make her 'not feel the same
way about me.'  

3. do these things also factor in to me not moving fast enough for a
girl who wants to be married soon?

ANSWER: Frank,
The rate at which one moves in a relationship needs to be based on your feelings. If you loved her and did not tell her, ask yourself why did I not tell her? What was going on in the relationship that made you not tell her? Are you the type of guy who has a hard time expressing your emotions? I cant tell you why she broke up I dot know. Maybe she was not feeling the same way, I don't think you not telling her would have made her break up. Why don't you ask her? "I was just wondering what I did wrong?" Please tell me so I can learn from my mistakes" Could you ask her now? If not then understand that withholding our feelings can sometimes be harmful to a relationship. I am not saying this is what caused the breakup however, You will have to ask her to find out. You owe it to yourself to understand you and what will help you to be successful and happy in a future relationship. Good luck, Nancy

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: when she first told me she wanted a break, i told her i wanted her forever.  i waited a week, and called her, left her a message telling her how much i cared for her, and how much i wanted her.  i waited a few hours, didnt get a response, so i texted her and asked her what was going on.

she replied by saying 'i dont feel the same way about you as you do about me, and thats not fair to you.'  i waited month, and then i texted her that i still loved her, and asked if there was anything i could do, she responded by saying 'no, there was nothing you could have done, i just didnt feel the same way.'

the reason why this did make sense to me was that in the final weeks, she was telling me how much she liked me, and how she had feelings for me.  talking about things in the future with me.  she told me how much she liked me, and asked me how much i liked her, and i said 'a lot.'  was she trying to get me to tell her that i loved her?

also, one of the final nights, she was talking to her friend on the phone, and her freind told my gf that she had just told her bf that she loved him.  my gf told me this, and i asked how long they had dated, and she said 5 months.  my gf went out to dinner with this friend the next night, and then then 2 days later she wanted a break.

then, after dating her next bf for 1.5 months, she was telling him how much she loved him.

it was confusing to me that she would tell me all these things, and then a week later tell me she didnt feel the same way.

are thing like not telling her i loved her, or her never visiting my family.  are these things that makes her not feel the same way?

why would she tell me she had feelings, and ask me how much i liked her, and tell me how much she liked me, and talk about the future and then just end it?  could this love issue have been a big deal, even though she knew how much i cared about her?

Answer
Frank
It sounds like your ex girlfriend is fairly confused and possibly immature in her ability to make and keep mature loving relationships. I woudl not waste any more time or mental energy on her. Learn the lessons you can from this relationship and move on. What are your strengths and qualities that you bring to a relationship? This is where you need to focus. IS your intent to find a future wife? What are your goals in your life that lend themselves to finding a future successful relationship with a woman of your dreams. She, the ex is not worth pursuing, let it go. You may never understand why she has done what she has done, she may not even understand it herself or maybe she is fickle and carzy. I do not know, But I do know if you keep focusing on her you wont find YOUR Mrs Wonderful. You have better opportunities for finding real love in your life if you can accept her for what she is and then move on. Good luck, Nancy