Working through the My Way to OUR WAY method, I offer engaged & married couples help with issues regarding love, conflict resolution, anger management, blended families (married with children), parental issues and sibling rivalry.
When in conflict, you might wonder:
Why does he/she DO THAT?!
I just understand him/her.
I can't get them to consistently start/stop!
Why is he/she so upset?
I'm in a lose-lose situation.
If you're stuck, it's because you THINK you have run out of opportunities. I can help you find more!!
Experience
Experience:
Highly experienced in the area of conflict, I believe that families can take full responsibility for solving their own problems, without the need for a long-term third party. I lead an association of counselors who I train so that they can train families on this method (within 5 sessions) and this has made a major difference for many families!
Education/Credentials:
Registered Counselor #RC00059845
M.S. in Management & B.A. in Communications
Formal Education in: Learning, Mediation and Coaching
Expert: Jessie Upp Date: 4/27/2008 Subject: Get married?
Question I did read your article. I am not trying to place the blame, but figure out if I am expecting too much or living a way that I should not have to. I will try to give you a general synopsis here...I am 21. I have 2 girls, ages 10 months and almost 3 years. I work in child care, so do not make much money. I live with my fiance, age 23, in a small, messy apartment. He hangs phone lines, but just makes a little more than I do. We are engaged to get married in September. I lately have been questioning if I should go through with it. I obviously love planning it, but do not want to get married just for the wedding. We have been together since I was 16. I have never lived alone. I have also never lived with him without children. I feel like we obviously rushed things and are doing it all out of order, but what I am unsure about is if we are really having significant problems or if we are just dealing with the stress of 2 young children, a tiny apartment, and financial struggles. We argue a lot, about everything from money and the way we spend it, to taking care of the girls, to keeping the house clean. I know that I would not be financially able to live on my own with the girls, besides the fact that I am a big chicken and cannot even come home to a dark apartment alone. But, I also feel that my fiance just does not try to make things work. First, our apartment is a real disaster, empty cans and beer bottles sitting everywhere. When I come home after he has been home with the girls for a few hours, there are cracker crumbs everywhere, diapers sitting on the floor, sometimes the girls have not been changed for too long, or were not really fed enough. I know he would never put them in danger- he is a very intelligent person and loves the girls, but he just takes no responsibility for them. He does not pick up after himself at all, let alone the girls. He does very little to care for the girls, and does not like to be home alone with both of them. He smokes, which I don't agree with, but I cannot get him to stop, or even to have the desire to stop. He drinks a lot of beer...he does not get drunk, but he drinks a case of 24 bottles a week. I feel like he wastes the little money we have on things that are not needed. He also spends a lot at work on junk food throughout the day (apx 10 to 15 dollars a day). I do not know what to do. Tell me if you think I am just expecting too much and that he is the best I will find, or if I am right to think that what he does is wrong. Any suggestions for talking to him, convincing him how serious I am about these things... I have talked to him, told him that I cannot live this way. He always, always says he will change (clean up after himself, budget his money, help out around the house) but he always lets me down.
Answer Dear Tera,
You are right thinking he is wrong.
Just kidding.
See, right and wrong thinking will get you no where except where you are.
Consider you are "growing up" differently than he is and this does happen in your early twenties. Consider you both have different desires now. Consider you must get on the page, or because you have children, stay close and loving with each other, but start building your lives without making the other person wrong for how they are living their life.
I empathize with you, Tera. You have a wonderful life and you're reaching out to ask if it's alright to live a different way. Of course it is! I give you permission! Now, it's time to give yourself permission and get some life skills so you are not dependent on him, and he isn't on you... but both of you are interdependent.
I invite you to come to say hi via our website and take the "Life Assessment" that will help you gain such tools for your toolbox. If you don't do this, do something!
