AboutDr. Jerry Martin, Jr. Expertise I will be able to answer any questions in general relation to family and children issues. Please do not ask me regards medications because I am not a medical doctor.
Experience I have experience with the children and teens in the past 20 years.
Organizations Certified Member of American Psychological Association - and a Fellow Member of International Society of Counsellors
Education/Credentials I holds BA degree in Psychology, MA degree in Social Work and Ed.D. degree in Marriage and Family Therapy.
Awards and Honors I hold numberous awards from state and regionial agencies for excellent community service to the youth and families in the past 12 years.
Question QUESTION: Hi. I am the mother of a five year old. I'm ending a relationship of three
years with a man who my son considers his father. (His real father didn't
want to anything with his son, only visited sometimes up until he was two.)
Now that we are separating, we want to make the transition to my son as
smooth as possible. He is going to live on the west coast, nine hour flight
from where we live! He is offering one year of school tuition. But they won't
see each other much. What should I tell my son? Should I make clear that he
is not his father? How should I explain he is not going to see him anymore?
Could this have repercussions on his self esteem or personality problems in
the future? My son believes that he is his dad, but there are no legal
bindings. I am afraid that he grows up thinking that his two fathers
abandoned him.
Thank you for your help
ANSWER: Hi Maria,
I am sorry to hear about that. I am glad your son is only five years old, it may not impact him that bad. My suggestion to have his "dad" sit down and talk with him about moving away. Please do not tell him that he is not his father. It will damage his self-esteem at that age, he may not understand just yet. You need to not worry about that. He will heal over the time.
It is good idea to contact "Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America" to have someone to act as a big brother to your son as a male role model. It is nothing wrong being single parent, that is why I suggested you to contact this agency, they specializes and serving for single parent and will enhance his self-esteem and self-confidence. What is the best part, it is FREE!
QUESTION: Thank you so much. You made me see the situation on a different light.
Now, his "dad" suggested that we tell him that he is going away for work
reasons. My son is used to these trips, because he had traveled a lot in the
past. I don't want to lie to my son. Especially when this trip will be really
long, and when he returns we won't be living together. My son is very
perceptive and smart. He would know sooner or later that we weren't honest
with him. Should we explain him that we are separating as a couple and
won't live together anymore. I mean, that's what is advised in a regular
divorce. Or should I let him wonder and find out for himself? Wouldn't it be
disappointing?
Answer Hi Maria,
Thank you for your sweet comments. I am glad everything seems to be worked out fine. He can tell him that he is moving out for good, and not live with mommy no more and I agree with you being honest is the best policy but give brief explanations to his age level that he will understand. If he ask questions, reassure him, it is nothing do with him. It is not his fault etc.
That is why I suggested you to sign him up with Big Brothers and Big Sister's Agency as soon as possible to minimize stress for him. Once it is set up, he will be more happier with his new mentor, and everything will be well again.
