Experience I am proffessionally counselling people for the last seven years.
Education/Credentials B.A,Diploma in psychotherapy,diploma in yoga teaching,diploma in nutrition & health education,degree in pranic & spiritual healing and master in reiki.
I am a 20 year old South Indian girl born into very a traditional and conservative family. However, luckily, my parents are far more modern than the rest of the family. By modern, I mean, their outlook isn’t the traditional, “get-her-married-off” soon, or , “no point spending so much for a girl” sort of thinking. My mom had a reasonably happy childhood. My dad comes from a very simple background and his childhood had nothing but him, his studies and his hostels. He is a self made man and I am very proud of him. But the flip side is, that dad has never seen how it feels like to live with everyone in a family. Since childhood, he has yearned for that “family oneness” and so on. Friendship, sport, movies, hanging out with friends and having fun, etc, where things that were never a part of his life. As a result, they never formed a part of our life, either. Since childhood, I only remember my family and my studies. I wasn’t a great student, because nearly my whole life has gone in big dreams of a happy and powerful life. But towards the end of high school, I managed to establish myself with high credentials and I am considered one of the most high calibre girls. Though I know, I am not anything extraordinary; I firmly believe if the heart deeply desires something, it will surely happen. I have big dreams for my life and I know I’ll accomplish them as per my plans.
But the worry is that, I often lose my mind to the heart. My mind is perpetually engaged in some conversation or dream. I don’t remember my mind being able to rest without thinking anything. I am always talking to myself. I always have an imaginary world of people and I am either talking with them or imagining them talking highly about me. This weirdness has resulted in me always keeping my room door closed, as I don’t want to get caught talking or laughing alone, which has resulted in my family members thinking that I am very secretive and some sort of loner.
However, the reality side is different. My mates, colleagues, everyone who knows me except of course my parents; think I am rational, outspoken, talkative, confident, mature, affable and brilliant. But, my family thinks I am sensitive, short tempered, disorganized, unfocussed and immature. I hate it that the people whom I value the highest in my life have the least impressive opinion about me. I can change this if I really tried, but keeping my mind at a constant state of volatility is difficult but surely possible. But keeping it from dreaming seems very hard. I can’t even describe it as dreaming, it’s a state that occurs, when I find myself alone to immediately begin a conversation with some imaginary friend or a conversation I wished had occurred between some people whom I already know. These conversations are always self-esteem boosting and it is with this same imaginary mind, that I can feel confident in front of large crowds, because I could have imagined them earlier. So though I do feel ashamed about it, I must admit it does help me as well.
My problem now is that I am unable to decide what life I want and where I want it. I am completely raised in a middle east country which is a very peaceful and nice place to live, but I having spent a few years of college in India, tasted the fruits of a lively and fun filled life there, that I find the place where I grew up, absolutely boring, dull and lifeless. I don’t even remember having school friends, whom I can depend upon. For the 18 years of my life, I have always had some friend or the other at any point in time, but I never find them around, when I am in need of them. I feel, the life here is extremely artificial and meaningless. I know dad holds a very well respected and senior position in this country and earns well too. But the prospects are greatly minimized if dad were to come back to india. If I were to seek a career in the middle east, I know for sure, with both my calibre and my already well established contacts, career progress can be quick and great. But, I need friends. I don’t seem to find any here. I know the nearly every third person here (as it is a small place and I’ve lived here for many years) and telling me to get out and make friends is a fruitless advice. I know I can be happy only if I lived in india, but I can’t get myself to express that to my parents as they are completely living for us and they think in life only career and family commitments are serious. Everything else, is not important in life. But I am an extrovert and I need friends too. If I told them that, they d say I don’t know what is important in life, etc.
But if I were to seek a life in india, I’ll have to go through the tough way up the ladder and it will take more time. The earning prospects are considerably less and the lifestyle is nothing compared to what is here. After my college years in india, I did realize everything that my parents used to fight with me for, during my teen days. But then , I wasn;’t able to differentiate between my culture and my peer pressure. I was outdated and out of fashion by all means. That kept me blinded to understand why my parents insisted on me sticking to my background. That I suppose is what every girl from a conservative family who is brought up in a liberal society goes through. Today after my college days in my own country, I realize that I belong to that culture. I didn’t have to make any deliberate change. I gradually groomed into it, like a clay setting into it’s mould. Today, even when I come here, I find myself being natural and unconcerned about what others think if I dressed in my traditional salwar. I am in fact, comfortable in it.
Though my parents do see some degree of maturity in these aspects, my parents still think I am not able to understand the family values and virtues and have a very bad opinion about me, mainly because of my temperament.
Accusing me to be a short tempered girl hurts me more than anything else, because I am very sensitive, but I don’t always express it, I make my point and stand up for it, which at times, requires or makes me raise my voice to indecent levels. But immediately after I storm off to my room, I break down into bitter tears. I know I didn’t want that fight, but I didn’t want to be hurt by them, so I argue. But eventually, when I come to my room, I cry because I am hurt. I wish I had someone who’d understand me. Someone, who’d never give me any of this mental pressure, when I cry, I feel a lump in my throat and heaviness in my heart.
I have got an “ENFP” result (Extroversion, Intuition, feeling, perceiving”) in a personality test and have analyzed that I have most of the symptoms of the “USP” personality. :- Ultra sensitive personality. For example, darker settings makes me feel better. I feel less exposed to being caught talking to myself or something. Even otherwise, I like being in my room with all lights off and screens pulled down, especially when I am not feeling good. I feel light-sensitive. Apart from this constant anxiety, I self pity when I am not feeling good. This has also resulted in frequent thoughts about suicide and a few cowardly attempts. One of major anxieties, is the social anxiety. As in, what others think about me. In all, I feel there is something about my personality, that I am failing to recognize as a short coming. Do I have some psychological problem that needs to be addressed?
Answer Dear Pooja,
I read your question regarding your problem.I must say that you are not insane, but,ofcourse,you are thinking too much and dreaming too much. Due to this you are draining out vital energy force out of you.Your energy is getting scattered.You are not able to use this energy properly and so you are in the present state.This situation will worsen your physical,mental and emotional state further.
Your another characteristic that is giving you problem,is yours being over sensitive for yourself.Just be a bit strict to yourself and spend good time with your parents/family members instead of confining to your room.
To rectify all these you need to do yoga. Particularly Pranayam and dhayan [meditation-vipasana or transcendental meditation].After that you will see a drastic change in yourself. You will yourself be able to decide for yourself.
Look for a good yoga center/teacher in your locality.You can also contact me for yoga teaching through e-mail-my e-mail id is-shashank.s.pandey@gmail.com.
