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Expert: Mr. Sharma Date: 6/9/2008 Subject: False Accusations
Question Dear Mr. Sharma,
I'm writing about an issue that has been plaguing my family for years. I would really appreciate your thoughts, comments, and advice. My letter is a long one, and I'll try to be as brief as possible and still give you a detailed account.
I have a half-sister, who I'll call "Sandy". I have not spoken to her, for all practical purposes, for 20 years. The reason is because I am angry with her because she accused my father of sexually molesting her. This happened in 1986. She made the accusation when she was placed in a drug rehab center while she was in highschool, in Louisiana. By law, the center reported this to Child Protective Services, who started an investigation.
After Sandy was released from rehab, she came back home and CPS removed our father from home.
Later, at the advice of an attorney, we packed our belongings and moved to the state of Tennessee. This was done for various reasons which I'll disclose later if needed.
Within weeks of our move there, my sister filed a new, separate complaint with Child Protective Services of Tennessee, now accusing my father of molesting her in Tennessee. Myself and all five of my sisters, Sandy included, were removed from our home and placed in foster care, where we remained of 49 days.
The case went to family court, and my entire family - parents and children - were ordered to be psychologically evaluated to determine if in fact any sexual abuse had occurred. If my memory serves me correctly, we were in counseling for 3 to 6 months.
When this was completed, the doctor presented his findings to the court. He concluded that no abuse had occurred, and that the accusations Sandy had made against my father were indeed false.
The court dismissed the case, and returned myself and 4 of my sisters to my parents. However, Sandy was ordered to remain in foster care as the doctor felt it was unhealthy for her to be returned home. Hopefully, with more treatment, she could rejoin the family at a later date.
A year and a half to two years later, Sandy turned 18 years old. Due to her reaching legal age, the state released her from their custody (foster care). She then married her boyfriend, who we'll call "Lennie", and went to live with him.
Not long after, my family decided it was time to move back home, which we did.
Since then, for the past 20 years, despite the court findings, Sandy has continued to say that she was in fact molested.
I have been furiously angry with her because of this, and have found myself unable to have any kind of relationship with her. I won't stand for someone continuing to falsely accuse my father of a crime he didn't commit, especially one as horrendous as child molestation. Obviously, she and our father have no relationship.
Over the years, she and our mother have maintained a relationship. They have a very good phone relationship. I call it that because neither has visited the other all that time, except for one trip when Sandy's ex-husband beat her so badly she was sent to the hospital with a collapsed lung; we flew my mother to Tennessee for a week to see about her; dad and I did not go.
I am writing because in the past few months Sandy has communicated to my mother that she wants to put the past behind us and try to mend things. She is now 37 years old, has eight children, the oldest of whom is 17. We've seen her children once in all those years.
A month ago, after much discussion between my father and I, he went home, called Sandy, and told her that it was time to be a family again, and that we were going to visit her. I thought is was impulsive, because nothing has been solved yet.
She said she was fine with this, but with only one condition. She does not want to talk about anything in the past.
I've been pondering this for weeks now, even talked with another sister of mine, and her comments confirmed my feelings. I have nothing against forgetting the past and forgiving, but I feel it is ridiculous and insane to suddenly fly to Tennessee and have a "coffee and cupcakes" visit as if the past has somehow miraculously died on its own and there's no issues between us. I have not talked to her in years, and I want these issues addressed. I want her to stop saying those things about our father.
I'm am trying to figure out what is the best course to take. I have thought about establishing a talking relationship over the phone, or webcam. I have thought about seeking professional help in the matter, but I don't know who or where to start, and I really can't afford it. Do you think this kind of trip is the wrong move? Am I correct in wanting to use a counselor?
I am wondering, however, have I been wrong for not having anything to do with her? I would very much like for this entire issue to be correctly resolved, and even one day, perhaps, have a relationship with her. However, as long as she continues to say this about my father and refuses to admit that she lied, I want nothing to do with her. Am I wrong for this?
Thank you very much in advance for your patience and help. I look forward to hearing from you. God bless.
Answer Hi Danny, As she doesn't want to talk about the past, so talk to her as she wants in her conditions for a while. Don't worry you know your agenda, keep in your mind, you will get clues. Now what
is the truth she knows and she will display in her talks with you.
See when you want to get the truth out of someone you don't ask them to tell me the truth. You will need to learn to talk to her and watch for her answers. Don't ask her any direct questions. Words only matter 7% rest is how you said them in what circumstances.
I can teach you couple of questions by which you will easily come to know the facts and she won't even know that you know what she wants to hide, if she wants to hide.
Don't keep anger or hatered for her, get it out. Anger on someone else is like you are drinking poison and hoping they will die. rather you are killing yourself.
You guy must meet a counsellor locally.
If you need my help skype me at my skype id by fixing timing by email or call me at 011-91-999.000.333.2
