AboutDavid Simonsen Expertise I am a licensed Marriage & Family therapist. I work primarily with teens and families on a weekly basis. You will get the straight truth. I will not pull punches.
Experience I have been working daily with teens and families for the last 6 years.
Organizations AAMFT; AACC; WAMFT
Education/Credentials M.S. in Marriage & Family Therapy
Expert: David Simonsen Date: 6/22/2008 Subject: Family Relations
Question QUESTION: I have been married to my husband now for 8 years and each day I start to lose interest in our marriage because it feels that it is nothing but a stressful, frustrated, going nowhere relationship. I still love my husband but he never listens to me about anything. If I try to talk to him he always says i don't wanna hear it and tells me to shut up like right now Our biggest problem in our relationship is his mother and his daughter (my step-child). In my mind i feel that both have ran our relationship all these years. My stepdaughter does drugs and i know she does them in the house because i have caught her a few times myself and i've heard from other people that she is hooked on them pretty bad and she gets this attitude where she cusses me, yells at me, and goes and tells my husbands family lies about me which they all believe and it gets me and his whole family fighting and then a few days later comes to me and says she's sorry. she's my stepdaughter and i love her would do anything for her but i don't like her deceitful ways and have no idea what to do anymore. My husband never wants to talk about the situation and always always agrees with his mother instead of me when it comes to her and he doesn't even stand up for me. his mother is allowed to say things about me and talk about me but when i defend myself to him he tells me to shut up and stop talking about his mother that he don't want to hear it. In my mind i feel if he would start taking up for me and sayin hey kathleen is my wife and if y'all can't accept her then y'all can't accept me. if any of my family says anything about my husband i stand up for him but yet he doesn't stand up for me. My other kids refuses to stay at our house because they are afraid because of what my stepdaughter has done in the pass and because everytime they are there she's screams and yells at them to be quiet over and over. it's annoying and she wanted her own house key, i said no because of the people she hangs out with i was afraid they'd get the key or she'd bring them in while me and the other children were sleeping so i just didn't feel safe with the idea. At first my husband agreed and said not to give her a key and then his mother calls him and says that's her house she needs a key so he makes me give her one not listening to my thoughts or feelings on the subject. I've be living at my mothers house now for 9 months with my other children because i do not feel safe at my own or feel i can't make rules at my own house. i pretty much feel that house is not mine and run by his stepdaughter and family. he wants me to move back in with the kids but nothing as changed and he won't talk about things i want done before coming back there and if i get mad and upset with him he still won't talk about it he just pretty much stucks up by trying to hug and kiss me, or giving me money and telling me to go shopping or something. Please help i don't know what to do and i feel this relationship is going nowhere or accomplishing anything. i love him and am afraid i can't make it without him but with him my life is full of worrys and frustration i feel like somthing heavy is laid upon my heart everytime i think about what's going on. I've thought about just leaving, filing for divorce, and moving on with my life but i'm afraid i won't succeed and i'm worried about his other kids that we have together and what they will go through. to me him and his family acts like she's the only child to worry about but in my mind she's 18 now she ought to obey my rules when i set them , help out around the house, not be allowed to disrespect me Am i wrong to think all of this???
ANSWER: Kathleen,
Protecting your children is the priority here. So moving back would not be wise if nothing has changed. I think part of the problem is that you approach it emotionally and your husband gets frustrated by this. I would suggest you keep emotion out of any conversation with him and stick strictly to the facts. If the girls is allowed in the home then you need to not be there. If you choose to go back you need to let you husband know (calmly) that if she causes problems you will call the police and have her removed. Since she is 18 you don't have to have her there and she is an adult and can be trespassed from your property. If she uses drugs in your home and someone found out your children could be removed by the state. This would be another reason to not be there. Talk rationally with your husband. He may respond a bit better. Let him know clearly what you will be doing if you choose to come back home.
David
www.help4life.net
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I have already done what you suggested i have talked to him about the situation and told him how i felt he just always says that's his daughter and he don't want her out of the house that if he kicked her out then he would lose contact with her or maybe never see her again instead he lets her do what she wants, gives her money when she wants it, and pretty much pays her way for anything. What we agree on is completely different i was raised to believe that a child once they turn 18 should try and make it on their own but she don't she just goes to her grandmother{ my husbands mom }and says what she needs tell hers that my husband won't give it to her, and then my mother-in-law calls my husband up and complains so he calls me and will say give her $100 or give her this or that. I;m just lost because because of her the other kids are left out it's like they kinda don't exist and my son which is not my husbands is completely left out. He has been needing glasses now for 2 years but because of the money my husband dishes out to my stepdaughter i can't not afford to get him a pair. When i told him glasses were more important then clothes, shoes, cigeratees, or whatever she wants he just says he don't wanna hear it just give her the money and be quiet about it and then he will accuse me of trying to get rid of his daughter and not wanting her in the home and says i never wanted her there. {again stuff his mom tells him and he listens} i have helped him and my stepdaughter out in so many ways like going to court with him fighting and recieving custody of his daughter, fighting with her mother over her protection, picking her up when my stepdaughter needed me, even befriended her mother for her sake. I just think i'm putting to much into this relationship that is never going anywhere.
Answer Kathleen,
Yours is the exact reason I tell people not to remarry if they have kids. There are too many potential problems that will cause your children to suffer because of the step-parent involved. From what you describe I would continue to live in a stable place where your kids can feel loved and protected. That is what your focus should be not on your love life. When you are done raising your kids then focus on yourself.
David
