AboutRebecca Falck Expertise I have worked for 28 years for the Department of Social Services and a non profit community action agency working with low income families and assisting them in becoming self reliant. I have work with eligibility for entitlement programs (welfare, food assistance, medicaid), state/federal work programs, goal setting, domestic violence, child abuse, and other barriers that families have which prevent them from becomeing self sufficient. I can answer general questions that a person/family may have.
Experience 26 years of experience in working with a state department of social service agency and a non profit agency that provides in home counseling.
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Arts Degree in Home Economics
Family Development Certification from Iowa State University
Financial Counseling Certification from Iowa State University
Expert: Rebecca Falck Date: 7/15/2008 Subject: How do I put my feelings first and not feel quilty?
Question I am an only child, 50 year old female, married, no children of my own that lives next door to my mother who is 72 years old, depressed, totally relying on my for transportation and occasional financial support. She is obsessed with finding a man to share her life with. However, she scares off what few are introduced to her...I think because they see the obsession and need in her and become scared. I on the other hand have taken care of her needs and felt responsible for her happiness since I was 6 years old. I realized at that age when I started school and she was sad, that it was more important to keep her happy than for me to have happiness. My husband travels a lot, which means that I am available for her more than I would be otherwise. However when he is at home, I feel guilty because she is by herself and have a hard time enjoying him being at home. (He is aware of this). I have been to therapy and know that I am responsible for making the changes in our relationship, but honestly don't have the strength. I know that I am the only person in her life who has not left her and she clings to that. She is also very depressed and refuses to take medication. She says, "Medicine will not take away my loneliness and that is why I am depressed? I would love any feedback and appreciate any help also.
Thank you just for listening.
Debra
Answer Dear Debra;
Thank you for writing. I know what you are talking about! I am an only child too with an elderly mother. My difference is that my mom lives over 800 miles from me! She, too, suffers from depression but takes medication and is involved with senior activities at her church. So, what am I saying to you? You have a right to a life that is separate from your mother. Has she been or does she go to a local physician who manages her care? If yes, make sure you are on the release of information and make an appointment to talk with the doctor about your mother's mental health. It could be that some medications could be prescribed that will help with the depression. It is not unusual for elderly men/women to have varying degrees of depression since this is a chemical imbalance in the brain. So, this might be worth considering.
How outgoing was your mother in the past? It sounds as though she is wanting someone other than you to socialize with. Are there senior groups in the area? She might enjoy going to some of these. Is she active in a church? Again, check for senior activities. You might want to visit some of these groups and establish yourself - then invite your mom to join with you. You can then gradually draw away and give her a source of socialization.
Many elderly women have found the "Red Hat's" in their area. These are just some groups of older women who dress in purple and wear red hats. They are all over the United States and they are a social group who do different activities - it is mainly a social group.
Now, if her depression is so severe that socializing isn't going to help, you should really seek some professional intervention for her. If there is a local mental health clinic, you might want to arrange for her to go for an evaluation.
Finally, you - you have the right to happiness in your own life. Husbands can be a source of support and it appears that your marriage may be going in the wrong direction. I hope that you and your husband can work on strenthening your relationship.
Some people are like buckets with holes in them. You can pour water in all day long, but at the end of the day the bucket is empty again. It is tiring to keep trying to fill that bucket day in and day out. Make a goal for yourself to have a "Debra Day" at least one day a week. Go shopping, to a movie, lunch with a girlfriend, get a makeover - just do something for yourself. Get plenty of sleep and eat well. Your plate is full and running over - if you don't take care of yourself, you will ruin your own health - physical and mental. Your marriage will be over and you will be miserable.
Debra, I feel that since you are writing to me that you want changes in your life. I applaud your effort and wish you the best of luck in making those changes. There are folks out there that can help you. Please seek some community resources and get some help for mom other than yourself. Take care!
