Family Relations/Confused



I'm in a bit of a sticky situation. I met my ex-boyfriend at the church where we BOTH attend and he has a 10 year old daughter. I thought my boyfriend was a good Christian guy, but the relationship turned out to be very abusive.

When I attempted to speak to my pastor about my ex-boyfriend's behavior...he simply dumped me. The awful thing about this whole mess is that his daughter is caught in the middle. We BOTH STILL go to the SAME church but we aren't speaking.

His daughter looks so confused and bewildered, and I don't know what to do. I would like to sit down both with my ex-boyfriend and his daughter and talk...but I don't know if I have any right to suggest this.

Since neither he nor me has any plans to leaved our current church, my relationship with his daughter has grown confusing. I STILL say hello to his daughter but things have gotten awkward.

1.I don't know whether or not to continue building my relationship with his daughter or letting the whole thing crumble to pieces?

2. I don't know whether or not to approach her or wait for her to approach me? I really don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me or FORCE her to like/hug me.

3. Now that Christmas is coming up, I don't know if giving her  gift will making things awkward and confusing for her.

I don't care what happens between me and my boyfriend, I just want to do whatever is best for his daughter. I lost me future step-daughter and she lost her future step-mother.

Please Help!


This is why I usually suggest that when people are divorced and have kids that they don't date because when things don't work out the kids get lost in the middle and confused.
I would suggest that you still be kind to this young girl. She is going to need women in her life that she can look up to. She doesn't have any clue about the weirdness going on, it's just the adults that have the weirdness and she is clueless. There is a reason that you were put into her life and I would suggest that you use that influence in a positive way. It does mean setting aside any "weird" feelings and focus on what's best for her. I think what is best is to have a woman in her life that she can come to during times of need. Those times might not be now. They will most likely be in the future and given how her dad behaves she is going to need you in the future. Just don't be fooled into getting back with the dad.

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Dr. David Simonsen


I am a licensed Marriage & Family therapist with a Ph.D. in Psychology. I work primarily with teens and families on a weekly basis. You will get the straight truth. I will not pull punches.


I have been working daily with teens and families for the last 10 years.


M.S. in Marriage & Family Therapy; Ph.D. Psychology

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