Family Relations/What should I do?

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Okay, well... I'm 20, and my boyfriend Paul is 22. Him and I have been together for a little over 3 years, and he lives with my mom and I. My mom agreed to let him move in last year around this time because his father is a drunk and would verbally abuse him constantly and smack him around when he was drunk. One time he came over my house with a nasty black eye and marks all over him and my mom offered to let him move in because she knows he's a good kid. Honestly, we would move out but him and I are both full time students and cannot afford it right now. He pays her rent, and he's really helpful around the house. He does all of the yard work for us, cleans up around the house and helps take care of our animals.

Him and I share a room and my mom knows that we have sex, and while she doesn't love it, she knows that we're safe about it. He is my first and only and him and I are probably going to get married someday. My mom and I have discussed this topic and she says that she knows she can't stop it from happening, but to just "be careful." Anyways, (sorry to be blunt) I'm sort of into light sub/dom kind of stuff; I like being dominated and pushed around a bit. We don't get too into it, though. No tying up anyone or anything. But Paul sent me an... Inappropriate text... At one point, and my phone screen turns on when I get a text. My phone was on the table and my mom saw. The text included him talking about his hand around my neck and he called me some really inappropriate things. My mom lost it, saying how demeaning that is to me, letting him do/say all that stuff. I told her that I encourage it and it's fine. Those names that he calls me stay in the bedroom. He is a sweetheart and he would never call me anything disrespectful unless it is in the bedroom and I'm okay with it. He's very respectful of me, but the bedroom is different than the rest of the time but she doesn't get it. She is very angry and I can't seem to calm her down about it. I don't want her saying anything to Paul because... Awkward... What do I do?

Answer
Hi, Sara, thanks for your question. I will try to answer it as best I can.


hmmm, well, you said that it stays in the bedroom, but, in this case, it really didn't, did it? You really can't expect to keep private things private, especially when you are living in someone else's house.

that said, you might want to let your mom know that, compared to all of human sexual behavior, this kind of stuff is rather benign (not as kinky as people might think), and pretty common.

You may want to look for one or more books about the topic, and have your mother read them. One such might be "Just F*ck Me! - What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom (A Guide for Couples)". I haven't read it, but it sounds similar to what you might want.

Another conversation you might want to have is to ask her to describe what kinds of kinky sexually things she has done, or what fantasies she has that she has never done. Maybe she is really just morally opposed to kinkiness, not that she thinks he is disrespectful. If she has difficulty talking about that, then it might be hard to explain your situation.

You might want to ask her what you and Paul could do to convince her that Paul respects you. She may have difficulty doing so. Basically you are turning the tables back on her, 'calling her bluff' (I know its not a bluff), because you stop disagreeing with her, and you say 'ok, let me prove it'. just like, if someone says "I think you are an alcoholic', and you ask them how many days of nondrinking would disprove it. They sa 'don't drink for 30 days', and then you do it. Then they can't say you are an alcoholic.

I would suggest not sending kinky texts, because other people will see it - especially if you live in their house  

Family Relations

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Bruce Borkosky, Psy.D.

Expertise

questions framed similarly to 'what are some ways to respond when someone does/says X' are best. Questions posed in the form of 'why does my father do/say Y', or 'how would you diagnose my mother when she does/says Z' are difficult, if not impossible, to answer. I will probably reframe your question to fit the first question (what do I do). Nay question regarding any family member is fair game. Some of the most difficult are in the area of step-parenting and divorcing families.

Experience

I've been a licensed psychologist in Florida since 1994. I've evaluated and/or treated thousands of patients.

Organizations
American Psychological Association Florida Psychological association National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology

Publications
www.bruceborkosky.blogger.com

Education/Credentials
Psy.D., Miami Institute of Psychology, 1993 M.CS., U. of Dayton, 1984 B.A., Ohio Wesleyan U., 1978

Awards and Honors
Award for Years of Dedicated Service, Palm Beach County Legal Aid Society, 1999

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