Family Relations/Disgrace to my dad


My fiancÚ and I have known each other since we were 5, and now we're 21. We've been engaged for about 10 months, and a few nights ago we had sex for the first time. We're both Christian and we promised to wait until marriage, but now we broke that promise. He was driving me home, and all of a sudden he stopped his car in the middle of a cut-through street. We started kissing, and eventually IT happened. Right in the front seats of his car. Now every morning when I leave my apartment, I see the spot where it happened and I feel weird. My mom was fine with it, but my dad is very disappointed and he said I'm a slut for not waiting until marriage. Both of my older sisters did. We're getting married in about 2 months, but I feel really guilty. Is my dad right? And the fact that we did it in his car freaks me out. I'm never gonna be able to ride in it again.

He Emily, thanks for your question. First off, anyone who calls other people names is simply being ignorant and foolish. Whatever they say after that should just be ignored. Secondly, when parents call their children names, they risk losing their children altogether. Perhaps he doesn't care if you never speak to him again, but most parents would care .... and most would apologize for having acted so childishly and rudely.

Besides, those who believe it is somehow immoral to make mistakes or to lose control have not been reading the Bible. When the men were going to stone the woman for having sex, Jesus said "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone". The point is that we all make mistakes, we are all imperfect. Those who want to judge others are pretending like they don't have any faults (such as, oh, I don't know... name calling?)

Sex isn't the same traveling to Ohio. You can avoid Ohio, if you want to. Just don't get in the car or, if you do, there's plenty of time to turn around. Sex isn't the same as Ohio, because people are hard wired to have sex. You have to go out of your way to avoid it. It's like asking someone never to step foot into the kitchen; there you are, in the kitchen, before you know it!

We psychologists know that sex is very normal. You are doing yourself a disfavor by thinking of it as somehow wrong, embarrassing, or shameful. Besides, how is it any of your family's business what you do, sex-wise? Most people think that is private - between you and your fiance. The U.S. Supreme court has even said so, so, if people are going to criticize you for doing normal things, then my advice is to stop telling them that stuff - if you want to speak to them at all!!!

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Bruce Borkosky, Psy.D.


questions framed similarly to 'what are some ways to respond when someone does/says X' are best. Questions posed in the form of 'why does my father do/say Y', or 'how would you diagnose my mother when she does/says Z' are difficult, if not impossible, to answer. I will probably reframe your question to fit the first question (what do I do). Nay question regarding any family member is fair game. Some of the most difficult are in the area of step-parenting and divorcing families.


I've been a licensed psychologist in Florida since 1994. I've evaluated and/or treated thousands of patients.

American Psychological Association Florida Psychological association National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology


Psy.D., Miami Institute of Psychology, 1993 M.CS., U. of Dayton, 1984 B.A., Ohio Wesleyan U., 1978

Awards and Honors
Award for Years of Dedicated Service, Palm Beach County Legal Aid Society, 1999

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