Family Relations/Stuck in the middle

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Question
as wondering if you could give me some insight on what to do.
So for the last few years my family has fallen apart (my parents, brother and I). I"m 29 happily married and expecting my first child in a month. my parents are in a nasty divorce and my brother is recently married and expecting his first kid in July.
so my brothers new wife hate my mother some of it for good reasons. we believe my has a personality disorder and doesn't trust anyone, probably reason why my parents marriage didn't work. so because of her trust issues it put a rift in my relationship with her (which is now on the med and looking good so far) as well as my brothers (Which he isn't trying to mend). Well my brother and i recently had a falling out back in November. Reasons being at his wedding last September his now wife decided to create drama towards my mom, marking name tags on where my family was suppose to sit which excluded my mom making her sit 5 rows back. she even had a place setting for them at supper which was at the back by herself. this made my mother feel so unwanted she left at the ceremony. it was the worst wedding ive ever attended and i wish i wasn't a part of..  so my brother didnt wan my mom to know where they lived so whenever my mom had gifts or cards at my house. My husband didn't not like this so i told my brother to give my mom there address which never happened. i finally told his wife i' not a post office and they have to give her their address cause i'm not the middle man in there drama anymore. she got mad and told me she cant handle that right now. i told her its time to grow up and act like a adult and even if she doesn't like my mom shes still my brothers mother and will always be in her life as long as she married to him. she told me that my mom is a bitch which i then told her that shes acting like one and as far as i'm concerned they are equal in what they did to each other (Wont go into that story..) i later one got a nasty screaming call from my brother saying i cannot speak to his wife like that using a lot of "F" bombs. i hung up on my brother but it continued with texts that were awful. I was 20 weeks pregnant at this point as well. since that conversation i decided i do not want to speak to my brother if hes not going to act like a family member, that and i don't need that stress while pregnant. well my brother announced on Christmas that they are pregnant, i found out through Facebook which hurt me deeply.. i texted my brother congratulation and that we should put this fight under the bridge for our kids sake. he told me i have to apologize to his wife first, i told him i have nothing to apologize to her because i did nothing wrong but tell her that shes treating my mother badly. that conversation ended there. i haven't spoke to him since then. I later found out my brother has not told my mom.. they are half way through there pregnancy and my mom doesn't know. I now feel that someone has to tell her but i know its going to break her heart if she hears it from me. shes tried to call my brother on several occasion and he has neither picked up or called back... i know its because his wife wont allow him.
So should i tell my mom about them? i'm tired of being in the middle but for something like this i feel she needs to know. its not like he moved or got a new job.. this is her grandchild..
i don't know what to do. for my relationship with him i feel its best to stay away from there toxic behavior. even if that means my child wont know his or her uncle. is that right? should i just talk to him and apologize?

Answer
If you tell your mom about them being pregnant you are putting yourself in the middle again. I think you have to deal with these two relationships separately. You would most likely be on good terms if you had stayed out of the middle of things. Trying to keep a relationship with your mom while also trying to mediate for her with your brother is a mistake. It's what led you to this place you are in now. You have to decide if you want one relationship or both. If both then work on them separately and don't be a middle man. Therapists are made to be middle men. If you want to work on one relationship then focus on that and let the other sit on the side for a moment. Don't talk about the other relationship with your brother or mother. You may have to apologize if you want a relationship with your nieces and nephews. It actually makes you the better person even though you may not feel like it in the moment.

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Dr. David Simonsen

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I am a licensed Marriage & Family therapist with a Ph.D. in Psychology. I work primarily with teens and families on a weekly basis. You will get the straight truth. I will not pull punches.

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I have been working daily with teens and families for the last 10 years.

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AAMFT; AACC; WAMFT

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M.S. in Marriage & Family Therapy; Ph.D. Psychology

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