Family Relations/Wrong Thoughts


"Hi there am a 26 year old Boy, single, (thinking of marrying in the next year).
I am working as a software developer in a major IT company.
And am from India.
Well that pretty sums up a little bit abt me.
The reason I had to write, is that I have recently developed a strong attraction towards my neighboring woman. She is married aged between 36-43. She has her own family living just adjacent to our place.
Things have been pretty good between both mine n her family until recently, there was problem with my tenant and her family engaging in a conflict over small business. Her brother in law and husband did some obscene things, due to which they were behind bars for some days.

Meanwhile her husband was also caught sneaking into the house of their tenant, that led to the tenant getting asked to unoccupy the place in short while. Over since then the family has kept a low profile. Not mixing in with other neighbors etc. The usual greets whenever anyone crossed each others paths also disappeared.
So now the current situation is like, everybody has cut contact with them.
But this lady eversince then has always surprised me with her stature.
Many times it so happens that , I have to go out n I get my bike outside the parking lot, all of a sudden I see her standing there at the entrance of their house. N I start continuously staring at her, She stares back at me. It is a never ending eye to eye contact, Just looking at each other.
Then there are instances like she comes washing the wall of their house, just outside my window, and I am able to see her perspiring, with all those clothes (saree) tucked high near her waist, n body just waiting to tear out of those too,
Many a times she smiles at me, n I am star struck,
sometimes its like she is going up on the terrace N she waits to stare me through my window,
Many a times it also happens like she is too conservative to even look at me... dont know Y.
But she is one bitch I cant lift my eyes off.
Sometimes I come into my balcony, to talk with someone over the phone, N I look down n I find her just looking back at me.
She very well knows, that I am ogling at her, but it never makes her feel awkward, she never does shy off my sight, or run away when am there, there are many events that happen day in and out... And the actual purpose that I wanted to seek opinion is how do I control my feelings, I dont love her at all. N I very well know this is very wrong!!
Many a times I have even controlled myself , made weeks passby without lifting my head to see her when I new she was there.
But then there are things like dumping the garbage into the garbage truck.N that time her body rubs hard with mine. N that instantly sparks up the fire in me...
I have felt my heart thumping hard, whenever I had a touch or a seductive sight of her...
I dont know how anyone judges this... Or what opinion one has...
Plz guide me into having a permanent control over my mind ... I want this rubbish filth out of my mind, I feel this attraction towards her is unholy and very sick, I feel guilty...

Thanks for your patience for reading this n plz guide me out of this..."

Hi, Arya, thanks for your question. You asked, "Plz guide me into having a permanent control over my mind ... I want this rubbish filth out of my mind."

The first thing I would advise is to seek therapy / counseling. It is obvious that these thoughts and feelings bother you. If this was an easy problem to solve, you would have done so by now. Also, it is not a problem that someone can 'fix' via a short email communication.

The 2nd thing is that we cannot control our thoughts, nor our feelings. Sometimes, thoughts and feelings enter our world, seemingly all by themselves. However, thoughts and feelings, no matter how much you judge them, are never 'unholy'. Even your feelings of guilt are not 'bad' - something to get rid of (even if you could).

What is possible, via counseling, is to learn how to accept such (natural) thoughts and feelings, and to understand from whence they arrive. For example, perhaps you are attracted to the 'unobtainable', or the 'forbidden fruit'. Again, very common among people of the world.

It is very easy to be attracted to someone. It takes almost nothing. The reason is because they are a fantasy person, in our mind. We imagine the best possible scenario, but that never matches up to reality. When you get to know someone, you learn that they have strengths and weaknesses, and often disappoint.

It could be that your thoughts and feelings are actually an example of the bittersweet essence of romantic love - something that musicians, poets, and sculptors have been talking about for thousands of years. In your older years, you may look back to this time with fondness, because that burning yearning has long since disappeared....

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Bruce Borkosky, Psy.D.


questions framed similarly to 'what are some ways to respond when someone does/says X' are best. Questions posed in the form of 'why does my father do/say Y', or 'how would you diagnose my mother when she does/says Z' are difficult, if not impossible, to answer. I will probably reframe your question to fit the first question (what do I do). Nay question regarding any family member is fair game. Some of the most difficult are in the area of step-parenting and divorcing families.


I've been a licensed psychologist in Florida since 1994. I've evaluated and/or treated thousands of patients.

American Psychological Association Florida Psychological association National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology


Psy.D., Miami Institute of Psychology, 1993 M.CS., U. of Dayton, 1984 B.A., Ohio Wesleyan U., 1978

Awards and Honors
Award for Years of Dedicated Service, Palm Beach County Legal Aid Society, 1999

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