Expert: David Simonsen - 12/23/2007

Question
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my long-winded post.  

I recently disowned my mother via an email...about four months ago.  I was placed in a foster home when I was 15 (I am now 40) and my mother's rights were legally severed.  I was made a ward of the state.  I was a very conservative young lady and did not do drug or hang around the wrong crowd.  I did not do anything wrong except for getting beat (with her fists) for "my mouth".  During my mid teens I began to understand how horrible my mother was and stuck up for myself.  That only triggered the verbal back-and-forth that always escalated into a physical episode.  I flunked P.E. because of the bruises...I would not dress down...how embarrassing!

I married my first husband about 17 years ago.  My mother said to him when I was not around, "How can you stand her?"  That is just a small example of what was said to my husband within the years that we were married.

Skipping past many other altercations that I have experienced, let's fast forward to my recent marriage to a man whom I married that is about my mother’s age.  We all three went out for a nice dinner and drinks.  As we arrived at our next destination my mother called 911 and said that I was "hitting her".  Out of the blue!  And the kicker is that we were getting along beautifully that whole night.  I am certain that the alcohol was a factor (and keep in mind that she presents herself as very classy and the opposite of anything trashy).  So when the police got there and was asked about her bruising, of course, there were none.  The police were so nice to me and acknowledged that my mother must have had one-too-many.  Who knows what her motives were, but doesn’t it sound like she was once again trying to discredit me?  She constantly goes out of her way to make me sound horrible…like I am her enemy!  

Fast forwarding through more B.S. and more verbal discrediting from her to my children (19, 18, & 5) I finally said enough was enough and sent her a letter four months ago literally disowning her.  The last straw was telling my oldest daughter, "How can you be with your mother...she's sick!"  That comment struck a familiar cord.  When I was in counseling during the foster home ordeal my mother was asked to participate in counseling and she refused saying that I was the one with the problem!  I was a good kid!

Now I am getting a guilt trip from my oldest daughter because not only did I disown my mother but I will not allow any contact between my five-year-old-daughter and my mother.  My thoughts are that I will not expose little Katie to the family dysfunction.  “How can you deprive Katie of her grandma?”  I am protecting Katie from my mother.  I want Katie to grow up in a loving family with family members who love and cherish each other; who do not discredit and talk badly about one another.  Am I being that too harsh?  I am not the type to play "victim".  I am very outgoing, productive, and I have a terrific self-outlook.  I do not need nor wish to continue the drama any longer.

Thank you for your time.

Trina

Answer
Trina,
It does sound like your mother may have some type of mental illness. Protecting children is a parents first priority and honorable as well. What you seem do to be doing is the right thing. Don't let your immature bratty 19 yrd old tell you how to parent. Guilt implies that you are doing something wrong. I don't think you are.
David
www.help4life.net