Expert: Ruth Swindle - 10/7/2006

Question
I told my husband I wouldn't make him choose between his family and me because I didn't feel that it was right for me to make him make that choice. I told him I'm so tired of all this crap.  I’m just TIRED. I told him I feel that I have really tried to get along with his mom. I have been more than patient and that I would make that choice for him. I told him I was letting him go, letting him off the hook. Yes I told him to go back to his mom and dad and live with them. I've said for years that we need to make our own family traditions and that this is our family. When he has talked about family it's been about his mom and dad. Not my son and I. When he's talked about home it's where is parents live not here with me an my son.
His reply was I love you I married you and no I don’t want to move back with my parents. I told my husband that he needs to think about what he wants and if he wants to stay married then he needs to realize that his home and not with his parents.
As for going to back to visit with his family, well I would rather stay here by myself and have a little vacation then go visit his family and have a holiday from hell!

Thanks

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Followup To

Question -
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and I love my husband very much. He is a wonderful loving man. My issue is with the mother in-law from hell.
My mother in-law has let it be known that she does not like me. She is very sneaky and a smart vindictive person.  She is the type of person that never compromises, She is never wrong and her way is ALWAYS the right way no matter what. Her husband and grown children don't want to deal with her so they just let her have her way with every thing.
I have tried to do everything I can to try to get along with his mom. The latest issue was on the 4th of July.  My in-laws were leaving to go back home. I got up early (6:00am) on the 4th just to let my dog out. I thought I was the only one up. My husband and son were still asleep. I thought I would make them a pot of coffee before his parents left. I didn't even get a chance to get my hands washed and I turned around and my in-laws were stand in my kitchen with all there bags and ready to walk out the door.  My mother in-law asked me were my husband was. As we walked past my bedroom (ranch split floor plan) I pointed that he was asleep. My in-laws walked to the front door and my father in-law went out to the to put their bags in the car. I was standing at the front door with my mother in-law and I asked her if she wanted me to go wake up her son and grandson. Her reply was (no don't wake them, they were going to go ahead and get going.) I walked them out to the car and I hugged them and thanked them for coming and call us when they get home. They left.
In the mean time my son woke up and started crying because his grandparents didn't say goodbye to him. My husband then came in and asked if his parents left. I told him that I asked his parents if they wanted me to wake him up and they said no. He called is mom's cell phone and left a message saying please call you grandson and tell him goodbye, he's upset. My husband then said he was going for a walk in the neighborhood. I didn't think anything of it and said ok. While he was gone his mom calls back. I answered the phone and she started yelling and cussing at me saying that it was all my fault. That I didn't think it was important enough to go wake them up. I told her she wasn't going to blame this one on me this time. Then she hung up on me. My husband came back and I told him what had happened. When He called his mom back and she told him that I refused to wake him and my son up. She started calling me a liar. My husband has never stood up to his mom. He waters every thing down so not to upset his mom.
In the 12 years we have been married my husband has never taken up for me. Yes that really bothers me. I guess I’m as much to blame because I was raised to respect people. I feel that it’s not my place to tell his mother what I really think of her.  Now 2 months later they are changing their story and treating me as if I don't exist. I’m also receiving anonymous emails saying that I need to fess up and admit that I’m wrong and a liar.

Just last night my husband spoke with his farther and his farther told him that they feel that I’m a lair and that they can’t trust me.  He also told my husband that they feel that I have the right were I want them. Saying that I’m trying to turn my husband against them. So that he and my son won’t come see them. That is far from the truth. I tell husband to go visit his parent and to take our son and I’ll stay home.
I have told my husband that I’m tired of being treated like crap from is mom and that I will not go up to visit his parents ever again and they are no longer welcome in this house. To this day I think what really upsets me is my husband won’t stand up for me and I really don’t think he believes me. I feel like I’m trying to prove to him that I’m not lying. This whole thing is so stupid and she always makes something out of nothing.

That’s not the only issue. My in-laws are also practully raising my husband’s sister’s kids. The in-laws treat her kids as if they were their own kids. They tend to their every need, but when my son needs or wants something they tell my husband and I to take care of him. This makes me ferrous. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad but the other grandkids are rude hellions. No I’m not trying to say my son is perfect but I think they should treat him the same.  They ignore my son and patronize him just to get him out of their way. My son is 4 and he loves his grandparents but he is very smart and one day he will see for himself how they treat him verse the other grandchildren. My husband has talked to his parents about the obvious difference of how they treat him compared to the other grandchildren. They have excuses for everything. Your help would be appreciated.


Answer -
Dear Lesa,
sorry, I don't off mother-in-laws. Whew, where's Dr. Phil when you need him?

Number one. You can't change anyone but yourself, and even that can be difficult. So, you're stuck with your in laws.
They are not going anywhere until they die and get their just rewards.

Two. Your husband loves these people, and he loves you. He's in a no win situation. He's going to hurt someone. If you force him to choose between you two, he's going to resent you.

Three. You probably are more upset at your husband for lack of support than you are at his mother.

Four. It is very hard to treat children away from you the same as children you are around all the time. I grew up as the "away" grandchild and I know. Yes, your son will see it, but there's not much that you can do. I became close with my grandmother as an older teen.

Now, remember one important thing. Your husband knows you, and he knows his mother. He knows her past history. However, he does not know how to deal with her, or he already would have. He would love you very much if you could figure out a way to not admit anything you didn't do, but smooth this over. Sometimes retreat is the best move. You live to fight another day.

Trust me, you don't want him to visit without you. You will be miserable, and if he had a good time, he couldn't dare tell you or it would upset you. Been there.........

Counseling would be good for the two of you right about now. It could help him see why he is allowing his mother's behavior towards you to continue. Perhaps you could tell him that what this is really about is his seemingly lack of faith in you.

I'm afraid this is one of those times when I have to say, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?"  You can't win this war, but everyone will have battle scars.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Sometimes a good friend listening is the best help you can get. I can do that if you need an ear.

Good luck,
Ruth  

Answer
Dear Lesa,
you're right of course. I will usually always say the marriage comes first. I admit to being tired when I answered. I wouldn't  go back to their house either. This is the one case where I would probably try to put as much distance between us as possible. Then when he does go back, he should be more able to see how she was trying to control him.


Boy do I understand the just being tired part. The fight gets knocked out of you sometimes and you think being alone would be better than this.  I never did get the support I needed from my first husband and finally gave up on the eve of our 25th wedding anniversary. It seemed no matter the situation, other peoples needs were more important than mine. I came to the conclusion that if anyone was going to put my needs first, it would have to be me, and yes, being alone was better.

You sound like you've got your head on straight and doing what you can. I wish I could find the thing that would make a man really change. Obviously it's not unconditional love, I've tried that.  Sometimes I think I need to become a bitch, it seems to work for some.  So I guess I should have put this is out of my expertise, because I didn't figure out the right answer. I don't know if there is one.

I keep hoping and tried to raise my son to be better so maybe the next generation will evolve.

Good luck,
Ruth