Female Masturbation/Can I relearn to masturbate without tensing?
QUESTION: Sorry my question is long - thanks in advance for bearing with me!
I first learned how to orgasm when I was 18 with an electric toothbrush. Shortly after, I began masturbating with my fingers while lying on my stomach and tensing my lower body. This made my orgasms stronger and happen more quickly - I didn't think there was anything wrong with it.
After three years of this I started having sex when I was 21. I was at first disappointed that I feel no pleasure at all from penetration, so I tried to stimulate my clitoris with my fingers during sex (both with and without penetration). I was disappointed again when I realized I couldn't feel pleasure from this because of my need to have my lower body completely tensed to feel pleasure.
For about six months I've been working on my own to try to orgasm without tensing my lower body. I've gotten it to the point where I can with some abdominal and PC tensing, but usually I need to be extremely turned on and distracted with porn. I find it's hard to muster the concentration and be turned on enough without this. I usually can masturbate without porn with a vibrator, and that requires less active tensing, but it still requires some and I what I really want to do is improve my masturbation without a vibrator.
It feels as if I feel little pleasure from the clitoris itself - the pleasure comes from the muscles tensing. B/c even when I'm starting to feel the pleasure, it doesn't feel like it's concentrated at the head of the clitoris, it feels like it's coming from the tensed vaginal muscles.
My question is, with enough practice, can I relearn how to orgasm? Without relying on purposefully tensing muscles? Can my clitoris begin to feel more sensitive and feel pleasure in itself without this muscle tension? If so, how long might it take?
Thanks so much!
ANSWER: Beth, what you are doing is not bad. I do understand your desire to re-learn masturbation for yourself. It may not be entirely necessary but since you want to, then it is important because it is important to you. I will be happy to help you with it.
Most young women cannot orgasm by penetration alone. You are quite normal.
I need to get some details and particulars about your masturbation. Since you are able to orgasm that way please dont stop doing it, but also I need you to clarify what you are doing with your fingers. It's quite normal to feel pleasure for the muscles tensing, but I want to encourage you to stay relaxed when you masturbate. Not that you should always stay relaxed, but I want you to learn how to do it so you can choose which way you prefer at any given time. There are many ways for a female to masturbate. You have found one that works for you but I want to make sure you are not doing something that might give you problems later.
Please elaborate more about your masturbation - your position and what you do with your fingers. Lets discuss that aspect a little more.
Be happy that you are able to reach orgasm. I will help you learn to relax your muscles as you pleasure yourself. How often do you masturbate usually?
[an error occurred while processing this directive]---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks so much for responding!
So for those three years when I masturbated on my stomach, I would always lay on my stomach, and "tug" at my clit (basically, putting my forefinger on the hood, pressing down, and using a "come here" motion if it was pointed at someone), while also tensing my legs and butt. For this period of time I masturbated most nights before I went to bed.
Now I masturbate every 2-3 days (often twice in a row) and I've been laying on my back with my legs bent and outwards. I've altered my finger motion to tugging the hood upward, and then from there moving in a circular motion over the "nerve" that's there, kind of plucking it in the process.
When I first started doing this I couldn't finish unless I managed to flex my abdomen and legs tightly in that position, which, as you can imagine, is a bit awkward. Now I don't need to flex as much, but I usually need to flex my abdomen, PC muscles, and sometimes a bit of my thighs.
I've managed to not need to flex much at all when I'm SUPER turned on and distracted (watching porn). I'm afraid here that this isn't progress b/c it's the same amount of blood in my pelvic region when I climax. Like I either need the that amount of blood down there from flexing, or from being way more turned on than I usually am during sex with my partner because of the porn.
What causes me the most anxiety is the thought that I've programed my body irreversibly. Which is troubling b/c this means that I don't feel pleasure during pretty much all of intercourse, because my clit isn't feeling pleasure on it's own, just with tight muscle tensing.
Thanks for your time.
What you might try is to get into your masturbation slowly, relaxing and taking some deep breaths as you begin. Also when you start rubbing your clit concentrate on keeping your pc muscles relaxed. See if you can masturbate for 3 or 4 minutes without flexing your pc muscles at all. Then squeeze hard and take some deep breaths to relax your pc muscles and try to rub yourself and feel pleasure but do not squeeze your pc muscles for at least 3 minutes. If you notice that you unconsciously squeeze your PC, then move your hand away from your vulva and take a couple of deep breaths before beginning again. Repeat that 4 or 5 times going a little closer to orgasm each time(edging). If you feel your orgasm starting and you feel like you are ready for it to happen, then go for it Beth! Make it good for yourself. And let me know how you do.