Female Masturbation/Unwanted masturbation fantasies
My name is Joana and I'm 16 and I often masturbate thinking about my dad. Yes, I'm that kind.
My parents divorced when I was 8 and we live with our dad ever since. By "we" I mean my sister who is 11, my little brother who is 9 and me. Our dad never abused us; on the contrary, he is an awesome and caring parent. So I'm not the result of a troubled childhood, I really don't understand myself!
I masturbate since I was 13, but it was always about "normal" fantasies. The incest thoughts started about 3 months ago when I was getting naked for the shower and started masturbating, which I sometimes do. Then I saw his toothbrush (we have only one bathroom) and felt the urge to be dirty and used its furry part to rub myself. I got really thrilled in seeing the toothbrush getting all wet. I felt guilty but horny. I put it back without washing and seeing he didn't notice it after we brushed our teeth that night, I started doing it every now and then. I tried to stop at times, but I wasn't strong enough. Eventually I started to fantasize about real sex with him.
That's very bad already, but I've done worse. I started spying on him. I noticed I could fit in his cupboard and peek through its huge keyhole and so I hid there while he showered before he came to his room one night. The fear of getting caught and watching him gave me a huge thrill and turned me on. Nothing unusual happened though, but the next day I did it again, and I saw him lock his doors, pick up a condom and start masturbating, not knowing I was 10 feet away in his cupboard. That really turned me on, specially when he ejaculated into the condom while lying down on his bed. He put some paper towel around the used condom and threw it away at his paper bin. After he went away, not being able to stop myself, I picked up that condom, went to my room and masturbated with it. I drank some of the sperm and let some of it drip on my vagina while I rubbed myself. Of course that made me feel even more ashamed and very very guilty afterwards. I think there might be a risk of me getting pregnant but luckily my period is still as usual. I didn't spy on him anymore, but sometimes I search for used condoms, not knowing whether I'll be able to not use them for masturbation ends. I never found any more of them, though. Maybe he noticed. I'm really worried about all of that.
I'm normal and kinda good looking, skinny and I think my breasts are average so I think he may find me attractive. He's a little overweight, but otherwise very handsome. Should I follow my desire and seek a sexual relationship with him? Probably not, but my selfish wish is to just give myself to him totally. What should I do?
I also often have the urge to tell him about all of this, about the sperm thing and my fantasies, just to see how he reacts and if he can forgive me for that. If I can forgive myself for that.
I'm sorry for the very long story, but I saw from other questions and answers that the expert usually asks for more info about the problem, so I decided to give some in advance.
I beg you not to be too judgmental of me - I try to be a good person, I volunteer and I always try to help people, but I have this weird sexual thing about me.
Thank you in advance!
I would urge you to quit all this disrespectful behavior. You already know it isn't right. Fantasizing about your dad isn't going to get you anywhere sexually. I would urge you to replace these unwanted fantasies with ones that you want. Look around you and see all kinds of males who would be more appropriate for you to fantasize about and maybe when the time is right be sexual with.