Female Masturbation/Daughter's damaging masturbation habits
I'm a mother of two girls and I found out that the elder one is having a very damaging behavior. Let's call them Jane and Kate, Jane is 11 and Kate is 15.
Yesterday, wanting to videotape myself cooking a meal for my husband who is on a business trip, I borrowed Kate's new camcorder she got for her birthday last month (she's really interested in becoming a film director one day). She was at school, so I didn't actually ask her; now I'm sure she would have said no. In her recorded videos, I found several ones of her naked and masturbating. Now we have never forbidden our daughters to masturbate, I know it's a normal thing to do and the only concern is that it should be done in private. But the fact that she videotaped herself doing that? At first I thought it might have been made for a boy, but it seemed more like she was just getting off on it.
Before I go any further, let me just make something clear, I'm not on birth control pills, so my husband and I use condoms. It also makes him last more, so we have no problem using them.
I certainly wasn't planing on watching any more of it, but I saw a condom in one of the last thumbnails, so I "had" to check.
To my horror, I saw her pickup an used condom from the paper bin in my bedroom, full of her father's sperm, take it to her room and masturbate with it, letting the contents drip all over her face and her body. She drank some of it and put some inside her vagina, all of this while furiously pleasuring herself.
I haven't told anyone yet, not even her father. I'm not sure I should, I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I should approach her about it. I'm very worried that not only will she lose the sense of respect for the intimacy of others, but also that she could get pregnant with this game of hers. Knowing her, she has probably never been with a boy yet, but I'm also worried that she might eventually want to make this "play" with someone else too.
How should I deal with this situation?
Thank you in advance!
Thank you for your question and my apologies for not getting back to you sooner.
This is a delicate situation that demands a very careful approach from you in order to avoid damaging the relationship you have with your daughter.
First, let's get a few things clear. She is not alone. Many, many girls go through a phase where they fantasize about their fathers. Especially if they're more of the "loner" type and do not have a lot of male friends or do not have a boyfriend. As their body develops and their hormones race, their mind needs a male to focus on, and a lot of times their father is the only thing available. He may also be seen as more attractive, more wise, and more caring then 15 year old boys. The good news is, this is almost always a phase. So please put the notion of "damaging behavior" in the back of your mind.
Seeing as she's 15 and experimenting with a lot of different things such as taping herself and her father's semen, she has likely been masturbating for a long, long time. A lot of girls start at 10 or 11. She didn't just start masturbating a few days ago and started trying these things. Her fantasies slowly convinced her over time that this behavior was OK. It doesn't necessarily make it OK but it might help explain it.
I'm asking you not to think of this behavior as punishable behavior. Here's why: I'm sure you've had a fantasy, or a fetish, or an activity you've performed with your husband or previous boyfriends, or something you've fantasized about by yourself that has been outside the "norm" and something you'd be mortified if anyone else found out. We ALL have them.
Respect your daughter's privacy by allowing this to remain a secret in her mind.
What I DO recommend is some new house rules. Make it clear to both daughters that any electronic equipment they use that could potentially get them in trouble is not "private," and you or their father may inspect it at any time. This doesn't just mean the camcorder but any computers/tablets/phones too.
I do have a large suspicion that perhaps your daughter was masturbating with someone else and they are who asked her to do this. This is incredibly common these days. Parents buy camcorders and computers and phones for their teens, knowing their hormones will run wild and their are millions of men and some women out there that are trying 24/7 to lure them into a sexual conversation to get themselves off... but then the parents, either don't know how to fully work the equipment or don't think their kids would ever have a "sexual" urge before... say... turning 21... and just don't ever check up on their kids.
Make it known well in advance that you'll be checking up on their stuff, and give them time before you do, maybe a few days or more. Make something up so your eldest daughter doesn't think you saw what you saw, perhaps say you saw something on TV about teen's online behavior.
This will help curb the *real* threat, that she may have unlimited use of private electronics and be sharing herself and her sexuality with strangers at such a young age. Be mindful of your youngest daughter's phones and computers too. Her hormones are beginning to rush too, and she will eventually find out where her older sister does, if she doesn't already know.
Left to the internet, your girls will make some mistakes and potentially set themselves up to meet someone and be in a bad situation, so deal with ti now by taking away the privacy of anything that can be used online. They will be mad, but they will thank you for it some day. You MUST also follow up. An empty threat is useless. Check their stuff regularly, at least once a week. Set the expectations with them what you are and are not looking for: such as: when you see private conversations with their friends you'll move on... but if you see conversations with adults or people you don't know, you ill thoroughly check them. You'll also scan pictures and videos.
Good luck! And like I said, put any possible fantasy of her father out of your head, she will likely outgrow it.