Female Masturbation/Daughter's open masturbation
QUESTION: Hello Ashley, I'm a little embarrassed to be asking this question but I really do need some advice.
My 12 year old daughter Kate has begun fairly openly masturbating and I'm unsure how to get her to stop. I don't want her to get the idea that pleasuring herself isn't OK, but I want to get her out of the habit of doing it in front of me.
I picked her up from school the other day and after a few minutes of driving, looked in the mirror to see she had her hand in her panties and skirt and was rubbing herself indiscreetly. When she realized I'd caught her, she only slowed down the pace of her rubbing but never stopped.
Sometimes during movie nights she'll lay on the floor and I'll look down to see her humping a pillow or grinding on her own hand. When I try to get her attention (in an effort to distract her/get her to stop) she ignores me and continues to hump or go faster.
We swim a few times a week in our backyard pool and while we used to horse around, now all she does is place herself over the jets until she reaches obvious orgasm.
When I catch her doing these things I'm usually at a loss for words and am too shy to say anything but after I caught her masturbating on the couch right next to me, I asked her what she was doing. She just said "playing", I asked why and she said that it "felt good" and didn't stop.
The latest incident however is why I'm really writing to you. Last Saturday morning she came into my room and I awoke to find her straddling and humping my morning erection, I don't know how long she was doing it but I was aroused. I tried not to scare her by getting angry so I just sat up and told her she shouldn't be doing that. She just smiled and went back to her room.
I guess my questions are, is this typical preteen girl behavior or is this something I should be concerned about. Kate is a very good student and a great kid and while I'm glad she knows how to pleasure herself (and would certainly rather she "show off" at home, rather with strange neighborhood boys), I'd like to get her to be more discreet. I don't want her to mistake my occasional erection as a sign that this is OK behavior.
ANSWER: Hi Adam!
What a pickle you are in. I'll say that, while frequent masturbation is totally normal for her age, being as open as she is with her father is not normal, although that doesn't mean she's bad. Too often we hear "bad" when we hear not normal. There are lots of girls who are like this, it's just not "typical" of most. That being said, I think it's obvious she A: has a high sex drive B: discovered masturbation and orgasms recently and is eating it up and C: has an attraction to you.
Again, none of this is bad, in fact it's all natural. There is a lot more father-daughter incest in this world's history then anyone would care to admit, and not all of it was forced on the daughter or regretted later in life by the daughter, some of it was initiated by the daughter.
As a girl comes of age and the extremely strong hormones drive her crazy and horny all day and all night, that mixes with the intense love and admiration she already has for you, and the immaturity of boys her age leads to you being the only really desirable man in her life, and naturally, she starts to become fixated on you. Why am I telling you all this, when you just thought she was open with herself? It's clear to me that without an attraction to you she wouldn't be so comfortable with you seeing her with her hand in her panties, even showing you her panties at all, and she ESPECIALLY would not be humping your hard cock in your bed.
She loves you, she admires you, and she's horny as hell, how could she not have at least a phase where she's attracted to you.
Most girls do grow out of these phases, and many do so pretty quickly.
If this were just a simple lack of understanding that you don't let people see you masturbate, you could leave some materials out for her that would teach her more about it, or even email her a link to helpful websites that talk about puberty and masturbation and discretion; but this won't help because she WANTS you to see.
She is hoping, deep down behind your rejections, that when you are not thinking about her as your daughter and you just look at her body as it blossoms into a woman's curves, that it turns you on.
Is there any truth to that? Would you define your relationship a little flirty sometimes? Do you ever smack her on her butt, tell her she's sexy, accidentally stare at her body? Any of these things or things like them might be leading her on and giving her hope that her body really does turn you on.
The only real option is to talk with her, explain why you two can't have that type of relationship. Show her videos or have her read stories of women who have lived through molestation and incest that wasn't their choice, and explain that it might feel good right now, but in the not too distant future she will no longer be attracted to you, she will be attracted to boys her age, and anything she does in the meantime like showing you her masturbating, or grinding on you in bed, she will probably regret later on.
Make sure to emphasize how much you love her, and tell her it makes you feel attractive and flattered, and that it's not that she isn't attractive, but you have to be strong and say no to that type of relationship. Then spend some time together right away and joke and have fun so she knows your relationship won't change.
She may pull back a little for a while if she feels rejected... or if the attraction is strong enough she may continue for a while or even get bolder, trying to touch your cock or letting you see her masturbate naked; so be prepared for that.
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QUESTION: "Is there any truth to that? Would you define your relationship a little flirty sometimes? Do you ever smack her on her butt, tell her she's sexy, accidentally stare at her body? Any of these things or things like them might be leading her on and giving her hope that her body really does turn you on."
While I wouldn't define our relationship as flirty, looking back I can see how she perhaps got certain ideas.
We used to wrestle and horse around a lot and sometimes I would smack her butt (in a playful way) or she would grab my crotch. A time or two I may have been hard, but only from all the pressure. At the time I never stopped her because I enjoyed our play but I see now I may have been better off putting a stop to it.
I've never called her sexy and rarely do I find myself looking at her body in a sexual way, although she does make a show of wearing shirts that display lots of nipple around the house. Looking at her in general doesn't turn me on, but I admit when she masturbates openly I experience some arousal. I think any man seeing someone fondle her clitoris or hump pillows in front of him and orgasming would feel the same. I suppose she could've gotten some wrong ideas because I do sometimes catch her masturbating and watch for a while, but only because I'm so shocked by it.
You said "or if the attraction is strong enough she may continue for a while or even get bolder, trying to touch your cock or letting you see her masturbate naked; so be prepared for that."
My other question is, what should I do in those circumstances? If I catch her naked and masturbating, how should I respond? Do I watch and give her what she wants? Walk away and ignore her? Spank her and ground her? If she, as you say, tries to touch or stroke my cock, should I tell her no firmly, or allow her to explore and put an end to any curiosity once and for all? I'm just at such a loss as to how to proceed.
Hi Adam, good questions.
It's good that you were honest that you can see how she might've misinterpreted some things as leading her on. Whenever you're dealing with something like this it's best to try to see it from all angles.
I gree that any man, or woman for that matter, seeing someone masturbate would experience arousal. I'm glad you were honest with me. I have experienced the same with my daughter's very open habits.
I definitely think a good spanking might be in order if you feel like she allowed you to catch her masturbating naked on purpose, but obviously that is your call. I cannot advise you to do anything that would cross a line sexually with her.
I would ask you to email me directly at email@example.com so I can be more up front with you.