AboutXR Expertise If your fetish involves gear I can take it on. From electrosex to medical play I'll give you the best shot I can. I deal with some of the strangest things on an everyday basis and would be glad to help answer any question you might have, no matter how crazy or mundane.
*New* If you're under 18, I'm no longer answering your questions. I understand that most people lose their virginities before they're 18, and that getting good advice, or even treated seriously as a sexual being can be problematic, but I'm not comfortable that the 12 year olds or such who are asking questions are always really 12 year olds and not strange old men or FBI agents. So, for any underage kids thinking of asking questions, here's my response up front: Use condoms (you aren't ready to have sex if you can't buy condoms), and don't do anything you're uncomfortable with.
Experience I'm here as a representative of www.eXtremeRestraints.com. We're one of the biggest online BDSM and fetish gear retailers in the world. We carry just about everything you could possibly be into. We spent a lot of time finding quality kink gear to carry and make sure that it's all high quality and consistently satisfying, so we should know our stuff.
Question Hello. I am a 22 year old male and I believe I "might" have sexually sadistic fantasies. Let me first off explain that I have had a very loving family growing up. Both my parents are together, I have a loving older sister, good friends. I have never done drugs or any of that stuff. I have also never been in a serious relationship with a girl. I am not bad looking, I am on effexor for anxiety/depression. Now to the problem. A couple years back I started to watch a lot of porn, just whatever I could find, I was probably 18 or so. I could get off to pretty much anything. I started to read romance novels etc, and I found a site that had erotic literature on it. I came across some stories that turned me on just as much as any other porn I had seen. The only problem was these stories were sexually sadistic. These stories were fiction and I guess my reasoning was/is that because it's fiction anything goes. My reasoning was that because it was fiction no one is really involved therefore you can read whatever you want. And I did. I would even sometimes fantasize about a sexually sadistic scenario and found that it turned me on quite a good deal. These fantasies/stories ranged from rape/humiliation/pain/bdsm. Never got into any of that death or any of that stuff, that too me was too much. Anyway, I am a kind loving young man who has never done any harm to anyone, I have a dog that I take care of and I just recently saved a kitten from a parking lot over Thanksgiving break. I have never had sexually sadistic urges or fantasies about real people. I just tell myself in my head, it's fantasy the people aren't real so it doesn't matter, because I know I would never hurt anyone in real life. I know myself pretty well, and I am not a mean/hurtful person. I just get really nervous and start thinking really down on myself. I think to myself "If people knew what kind of erotic fiction I read they would think i'm some messed up freak." Or I think "My family might not love me anymore if they knew I read rape fiction." Things like that. It made me quite suicidal (thoughts of it), before I got back on Effexor. I guess it's just embarassing. I mean who wouldn't be embarassed and a little afraid of what some peoeples reaction might be? I'm a very honest person and would like to bring this up in a relationship (once it's been a decent while.) But what if the partner was like "omg your a rapist." I mean I just don't want people jumping to conclusions about me because of fictional stories I read. I am a very loving and honest person and I would just like a professional opinion from you. I hope this is not abnormal or strange. I have told most all of my close friends and they all say "no big deal it's a fantasy, not reality and as long as you know that, than it doesn't matter." I look at it as the same as violent videogames. I play games with guns, but does that mean I want to go shoot people? Not a chance. Is it the same thing? I apologize for this long question but I wanted to be very clear, and explain it in full truth. Thank you.
Answer Sorry for taking a while to get back to you. Your question deserves a good answer though. First off, what you fantasize about, what you want, and what you do are totally different things. Also, rape, humiliation, pain, and BDSM fantasies are something that you can totally bring into reality in a positive way. It looks like all of your problem is assuming that these interests of yours are bad. You're clearly a well balanced guy whose sexual fantasies aren't a problem except for your irrational guilt. So let me explain why you shouldn't be guilty.
For all of your fantasies about rape, humiliation, pain, and BDSM there are people who fantasize about being on the receiving end of those things. Anything between two consenting adults can be a positive thing. It's as simple as that. Rape is wrong and reprehensible, but acting out a rape fantasy with someone else who's into it is a great thing. The same goes for all the rest. So long as you're not fighting urges to do these things in a non-consensual abusive manner, you don't have a problem.
You also have to consider that most people don't have as normal a sexuality as they lead the world to believe. People are naturally into all kinds of weird messed up stuff. You are mild core in comparison. The most normal people you know could be getting home, stripping down, and putting on diapers. Of course, they wouldn't tell you because they'd be afraid that you'd judge them.
If you want to take your fantasies out of fantasy and into reality, I'd suggest that you find a good BDSM group. Perhaps there is a local BDSM munch in your area. If you go that route you could meet a bunch of good healthy people, and realize that you can be into everything you're into and be an upstanding person at the same time with no conflict whatsoever.
