AboutXR Expertise If your fetish involves gear I can take it on. From electrosex to medical play I'll give you the best shot I can. I deal with some of the strangest things on an everyday basis and would be glad to help answer any question you might have, no matter how crazy or mundane.
*New* If you're under 18, I'm no longer answering your questions. I understand that most people lose their virginities before they're 18, and that getting good advice, or even treated seriously as a sexual being can be problematic, but I'm not comfortable that the 12 year olds or such who are asking questions are always really 12 year olds and not strange old men or FBI agents. So, for any underage kids thinking of asking questions, here's my response up front: Use condoms (you aren't ready to have sex if you can't buy condoms), and don't do anything you're uncomfortable with.
Experience I'm here as a representative of www.eXtremeRestraints.com. We're one of the biggest online BDSM and fetish gear retailers in the world. We carry just about everything you could possibly be into. We spent a lot of time finding quality kink gear to carry and make sure that it's all high quality and consistently satisfying, so we should know our stuff.
Question QUESTION: Hi, I recently became involved with a divorced 45 year old mother of three who has experienced quite the wide realm from sexual abuse by non suitors to neglect and deceit by others .
She's been married three times prior and had countless relationships that have ended in failure in the past 5 years of her latest divorce .
We bonded instantly when we met two months ago , sex was great and commitments were easily made between us .
Almost immediately I noticed that she had an almost obsessive need to always be touching me . As we slept, it was constant until she would fall asleep , awaken for just a moment? , more touching , ,,,,
In the morning , if I left the bed as I do regularly to attend to things around the house ( a morning person ) , she would get into a mood and stay that way all day long , citing that she was accustomed to spending the mornings with her lover even if we had just spent the entire evening with one another and despite her children were up and needing at least some sort of attention.
A week ago , we got into a very , very slight argument, one that had some sarcasm to it and I nicely left after kissing her and making coffee, She freaked out over the thought that i was leaving her like the others .
I explained that I wasn't but I wanted some quiet time to resolve how I was going to deal with what I felt was unwarranted sarcasm. Two days later , she told me that she had become confused and wanted some time to figure herself out , all the while constantly blinking .She had said that " we had failed the test of our first fight " all the while blinking constantly. She then said that she needed time to sort out her confusion and sounded very distraught.
I gave her a week or so and paid her a visit the other night as I was concerned about her mental state , and low and behold , she had another man in her bedroom .
Despite the " i love you's " and " you are always welcomed into my home " ....... I was not welcomed and she made that very obvious to me while threatening to call the police if I was at her property again .
This was followed by an e-mail of apology and a simple explanation of how she had fallen for a computer repair man while servicing her ........ computer ! All the while stating that she had always been honest with me .
Finally , my question as I have experienced this before in a two year committed relationship with another 45 years old woman from a somewhat similar past that wanted " time because she was confused " , This constant touching thing ..... is it not a sign of a mental illness that a person might just have of non worth , that uses the physical sense to attempt to overcome a low self esteem ?
Thank you in advance for your thoughts.
B
ANSWER: I think that by focusing on the touching you're missing the bigger picture and the real important points. First off, it's clear that the woman you were with was clingy and insecure. She clearly needed constant reinforcement of her worth, be it touching, affection, or just that you were paying attention to her. Wanting you to stay in bed with her longer and getting "in a mood" when you didn't was probably just needing you to resist the other things you wanted to do to spend time with her to validate her attractiveness and desirability.
I have no idea why you're focused on the interest in touching to be a sign of mental illness. Is that so you can feel that this is in no way your fault? For all I know, only having your side of the story, you might have your own faults here. I'm going to ignore that in the interest in giving good advice.
If there's any warning sign that you might look for, it's past histories. Keep in mind that you're only getting one side of past histories. If everyone someone else has dated were all terrible, crazy, and abusive, they might have terrible taste in partners or they might interpret things that way. The real crazy ones, the super clingy, the stalkers, and the abusers all likely have long histories of terrible crazy partners from their perspective. People who are still friends with their past relationships and don't speak ill of them are probably much less likely to be dysfunctional.
The only other piece of advice that I can give you is to explore whether you're a sucker for "saving" troubled women. That might be good or bad, but you should consider it none the less.
Good luck on your future relationships and don't consider touching to be a sign of mental disease. Also, telling future partner prospects that your last girlfriends were mentally diseased is a warning sign about you. So watch yourself, and try not to be the kind of guy who girls need to be warned away from.
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QUESTION: Thank you XR for your quick and learned response .
Quite frankly , I am not trying to validate my faultlessness in this relationship . I am ok that it is over and in a mental frame of it doesn't matter who's fault it might be . Rather, I am attempting to understand what I would label as unusual behavior in the touching .
One typically doesn't express their " I love you's" one day , " I am confused " two days later, and then wind up in the sack with another ...... stranger ,two days after that !
Concerning the touching , Imagine a person going to sleep along side of you and resisting sleep to the last possible moment that could last as much as two hours, in order to gently stroke another's body ., whether it be the head , back , hand or whatever .
I am not complaining as I was the recipient but It strikes me as unusual to a point that it struck me as compulsive .
Perhaps my using the term " mental illness " was a bit harsh , but it does strike me as odd .
Thank you ,
B
Answer Possibly kind of creepy if you were still getting pet for hours while you were asleep.
I think that the important thing is that you weren't in a healthy relationship and you got out of that unhealthy relationship. Seriously though, do look at the way that future partners describe their past partners. It's a major clue.
