Expert: XR - 1/14/2009

Question
 My name is Faith, I'm 22 and have been engaged for the past 2 years, short a couple months.  I don't want to ramble so I won't ... It's not hard to explain just difficult to put up here. I have a complicated past that tends to complicate my sex life as well as my relationship with my fiance. I've been trying to get past it and the toll it's taken on my self esteem but here it is, in the way once again.
  I'm getting to know him better now, his wants, how he likes the control when I'm giving him a blowjob, his fingers through my hair, pushing my head down just enough to make me gag ... I feel like it's gonna get worse, like he'll want more and lately he can't keep it up all the way through "love making". So great right, I'm stuck with lock jaw, a fucked face & feeling obligated to please my lover so I won't make him stop.
 That being the case I'm not complaining, with me not telling him how it truly effects me, I'm not helping, I get that. I'm also not asking anyone to be my therapist, I'm already thuroughly fucked, I get that too.
  My question to is, under the circumstances I've shared with you and the fact that I've asked him if he wants more, he replies "not if u don't want to", how do I know this isn't going to turn into something more "intense" than it is now, whether tomorrow or years from now?... I want to make him happy, I want to satisfy him in all areas but I don't want to lose my sense of self worth/respect.

Answer
So, looking at your situation there's nothing terribly problematic. It does sound like what really needs to happen is more communication and compromise. It's really not unusual to have a little bit of power play in sex. Working a little extra to get your partner off also isn't all that unusual.
 However, there needs to be some balance and fairness. If he were a necrophiliac and you were soaking in ice water in order to fulfill his fantasies I'd be telling you that he'd better be taking care of your needs as well. This really is no different. He should be making sure to take care of your needs and considerate that the oral sex you're giving him is a lot of work. If he's recently come and is likely to have a marathon session, it's all fair to say that oral sex is off the table. Those guys with decent lasting power often must forgo oral sex just because it's too much work for their partner, and it's not as if penis in vagina sex is some kind of punishment. So you shouldn't cut him off, but you should assert that while you want to meet his needs you have limits, and sometimes you reserve the right to be lazy and have your own needs tended to.
 I can't know if he'll get more demanding, but if you communicate well you should be able to handle anything.
 Good luck.