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Fetishism/What am I?
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Hi, I guess I need to ask someone for help about myself. I'm a 38 yr old virgin,who has never even kissed anyone. I have been afraid of women,getting sexually involved with them,most of my life. I have always enjoyed cross dressing and admired latex,leather clothing and catsuits(I love catwoman fashion).
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My fantasies used to involve women but over the last few years I've noticed my attraction to men,with me being a woman. I don't find anal sex at all attractive though. I even put out a dating ad,describing myself as a cd and some pics(w/o my face) and received lots of responses but i feel I don't look very female and I didn't respond to any messages(I've included a few pics). I realize my issues and lack of experience may be distorting my thoughts but what am I? What the heck should I do? What would my family & friends say about it? I am sorry for putting this on your back but any help would be appreciated.
Hello Tony,
You don't have to be sorry at all - I'll be happy to help you!
Everyone's sexual identity is very different. Of course, you can group most of us considerably into certain types of orientations (Gay, straight, bisexual, lesbian, etc.) and lifestyles (Vanilla, BDSM, kink, poly, tantric, etc), but we may have specific preferences and tastes that don't normally define these terms, and may even seem contradictory to the definition of these terms. What it really boils down to for all of us is whether or not we can accept and embrace these unique characteristics we possess, and hopefully develop a lifestyle that makes us happy.
I think this is ultimately what it come down to for you as well, Tony. You ultimately define who you are, and defining yourself doesn't mean giving yourself a title or name. It means you recognize what turns you on the most, and embody those desires that make you feel good. From what you describe, you enjoy transvestism (or crossdressing) and you enjoy the company of men somewhat exclusively. Have you ever been with a man before? Obviously, as a crossdresser there are others who do find you attractive and feminine, since you did receive responses to your personal ad and pictures. Were they from men or from women?
If I may also ask, what do you want to do? Do you want to lead a secret life of crossdressing or do you see this being implemented into your lifestyle? Would you enjoy being in the company of men? The only way you can answer these questions is to go out into world and start meeting more people. Go back to the responses you've gotten and take a look at the people who are interested. Are you attracted to them? If so, then talk to them. It's okay if anal sex doesn't turn you on; there are plenty of other ways you can still enjoy sex-play that doesn't include "penetration." Is there anything else that turns you on, like blow jobs (giving or receiving) or mutual masturbation? Take a look at your fantasies - what are the actions that get you off the most? Knowing what you want and embracing that side of you is essential in defining who you are.
If you do not feel like you're not feminine enough, then there are wonderful resources that can help you really reach the level you're looking for. Veronica Vera instantly comes to mind. She is dedicated to teaching men, like yourself, how to become the best crossdressers that they can be. I would encourage you to visit her website (http://www.missvera.com/) for more information. She's also written books and contributed her thoughts and ideas to other publications.
Also, find communities and resources in your city for support and encouragement. Whether it's a nightly soiree with other crossdressers or a casual gathering of potential friends and supporters, immersing yourself in a loving atmosphere may do you some good. Also search for online communities - not just dating sites - where you can ask questions and share your feelings with others. When you have a better understanding and acceptance of your identity, then you can make the decision to talk to your friends and family. What you may also want to consider is the long-term - Would you introduce your lover to your loved ones? Is your lifestyle going to change to the point that your friends and family might notice? If so, then you may want to prepare yourself to let others know. Even then, you can choose what you want to disclose.
So, start accepting yourself and loving every facet of you, no matter how complicated it may seem. Surround yourself with positive influences. And continue to enjoy crossdressing!
Christina
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| Rating(1-10) | Knowledgeability = 10 | Clarity of Response = 10 | Politeness = 10 |
| Comment | Thank you so much Christina! I really appreciate the info and the hope she has giving me. I think this will lead to a positive change in my life. | ||
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Answers by Expert:
christina Cicchelli
Expertise
I can answer the following questions about fetishism:
- How to talk to your partner about your kinky fantasies
- How to set up a "play date" for you and your partner so you can act out your fantasies.
- How to practice your fantasies and fetishes solo.
- The different organizations, clubs, or resources one want to contact
- How to approach your lover about your crossdressing fetish
- How to play with your lover is s/he is a crossdresser
- Different ways to can continue to make this fetish work for you
- Animal Transformation
- Foot Fetish
- Role-Play
- BDSM
- Object fetish
- Fantasies that involve supernatural creatures, celebrities, etc
- Fantasies that may involve body growth, shrinkage, weight gain, etc.
- Fantasies that include elaborate scenarios, scripted role-play, etc.
- A combination of one or more fetishes
- Bloodplay
- Watersports
- Coprophilia/coprophagia
- Roman Showers
- Intense, consensual role-play with taboo or controversial themes (Rape-fantasy, animal-play, etc)
I can't answer the following:
In-depth information about medical play or bondage
If you need further guidance or coaching, then visit my website
Experience
Christina Cicchelli is a "Sexventurer" of sorts; she's spent over five years as a sex worker and has experience in a myriad of industries, including phone sex and professional domination. As a Mistress, she has worked in several NYC Dungeons and also visited devoted clients on an independent basis. As a phone sex operator, she maintained a large amount of callers who sought her guidance, creativity, and experience in fetish and role-play.
Christina is best known for her career as a porn actress. Under the non de plume, Simone Valentino, she's performed in a handful of films. She received an AVN nomination for “Best Actress” for her role in Afrodite Superstar and also won “Best New Starlet” at the Feminist Porn Awards in 2008 for her role in Audacia Ray's The Bi Apple.
Christina is a columnist for $pread Magazine and writes about all things fetish in own blog, A Fantastic Nightmare. She is also Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross’s resident Fetish Blogger on their sex-positive website (Dodsonandross.com) and coaches individuals and couples who seeking kinky inspiration in the bedroom.
Publications
A Fantastic Nightmare (Personal Blog)
Dodsonandross.com - Sex positive website and home of sex educators and feminists Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross
$pread Magazine - Printed publication for sex workers written and produced by sex workers
Education/Credentials
Graduate: The College of New Rochelle
Masters: English/Communications
Awards and Honors
2007: "Best New Starlet" - Feminist Porn Awards
2008: "Best New Actress" - AVN Awards
Past/Present Clients
Confidential but verifiable references are available
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