Expert: christina Cicchelli - 11/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: I feel bad about an underwear fetish. What does this say about my personality if anything? How can I control this fetish?

ANSWER: i don't think you have a problem at all! Do you find your underwear your fetish to have a very detrimental effect on your life and how you interact people? If you do, then you might have an addiction, which I would suggest seeking help from a therapist or counselor.

If you feel like it's not a big intrusion on your life, then is it really a problem? IF you're in a relationship, is it distracting to your lover or partner? Basically, I want to know why you  feel bad about your underwear fetish. And, what do you feel bad about? Do you feel bad about the way about the way you need underwear in your life? Do you feel bad about you fetish? I'm very curious.

I don't know what it says about your personality because you haven't said anything about you, except for the fact that you have an underwear fetish and you feel bad about it. Your attraction to underwear, whether you feel bad about it or not, may or may not have an influence on your personality.

I also don't know how you can control your fetish based on what you described. Again, how does your fetish have a major negative impact on your life? Especially to the point where you need you control it.

Anyway, if you can let me in the details, I would love to help you further.

Thanks

Christina

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you, Christina. I guess I feel bad about my sexuality in general.

Yes, I suppose it is an addiction. I feel bad about anything in my life that is out of control. I am not in a "relationship" although I do have a few close friends. I cannot enter into a "relationship" because I am sexually attracted to boys. I do not wish to sexually abuse a child, nor do I wish to have a half-hearted relationship with an adult because I consider that to be abusive too.

The underwear fetish started when I was a teenager. Much to my mother's disgust I wore boxer shorts with cartoon pictures. I have never grown out of this and deliberately dress young. I am 37 years old but people frequently underestimate my age by 10+ years which is frustrating in professional situations because I don't think my presentation, i.e. blue blazers, gelled hair, striped ties, charcoal grey trousers matches my abilities but I still feel like a teenager trapped in an older body. I feel bad about the underwear fetish because it is indicative of my wider problems which cause me depression.

I read on another post that there is a connection between fetishes and personality.

Thank you for listening.

Best Wishes

Adam

Answer
Hey Adam,

Let's start with the definition of a relationship. You say you are attracted to boys, but you feel like you can't have a relationship because of this, as well as the risk of sexual abuse in the future. The common misconception that being a homosexual can somehow transform you into a sexual abuser is ludicrous. When one person abuses another, it has nothing to do with sexual abuse and everything to do with the attacker's need to overcompensate for deep feelings of insecurity or repressed anger/sadness through non-consensual physical attack with someone who is perceived as weaker or less likely to fight back. Consider this: For every news report about same-sex sexual abuse (which can many times shadow hetero-sex abuse), there are also cases of sexual abuse between different genders. Does that mean as a heterosexual, I shouldn't get into a relationship because I might sexual abuse someone else? Of course not, because my sexual orientation isn't the issue, the sex abuse is.

So, taking a step back, I think that by you recognizing how your attractions could potentially harm your desired partner, you might also want to consider that by recognizing this and not wanting to take the chance, you do possess the basic signs of compassion and care for your potential partner that makes you think differently from those who are willing to manipulate and use force to get what they want. For a better understanding of your own desires, you might want to talk further with a clinical professional experienced in fetishes and sexual orientation about your concerns and come up with ways that you can develop healthy relationships with men that you find attractive. You can also learn more about how your compulsive relationship with your fetish prohibits you from living a fuller life, and solutions that can help you overcome this.

Dr. Gloria Brame is one sex therapist that I recommend looking into. She has experience in helping others with fetishes as well as sexual orientation and preference. She has two books and her website is filled with resources that might answer some of your own questions. Also check out the directory of Kink-Aware Professionals on the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom website (www.ncsf.com).  

Just remember that if you feel like you can't control your sexual identity and behavior, you can change that and you can lead a better life.

Good luck, Adam

Christina