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Fetishism - Smoking/Crossdressing/Age

Expert: christina Cicchelli - 8/22/2009

Question
Hi Christina,
My name is Kenny and I'm a really messed up guy. I'm not a bad guy. I just have a lot of issues, but I imagine most guys that write you have issues. I have three major issues and I guess you can call them fetishes. My big three are Smoking, Crossdressing, and Age. These aren't new things with me. I've had them for as long as I can remember.

Oddly enough, I think I even understand why I have these fetishes/feelings/urges. They all relate to my feelings about my mother. My mom is older now, but she's still attractive. She's also a smoker and since she's a woman, she wears women clothes.

Realistically speaking, I don't want to have sex with my mother, but to be perfectly honest, I have thought about it a lot. But what I have done is to marry a woman who is a lot like my mom. Her name is Linda and she's 49- two years older than my mother. We've been married for almost two years. I'm 26.

Linda and my mom don't look alike but they share a lot of the same traits. For starters, they're both heavy smokers, and they're both devout Christians either though my wife and I don't go to church very often.

I met Linda through Yahoo personals. She wasn't looking for a younger guy, but I was pretty persistent, so she agreed to go out with me. We dated for eight months before we got married. She and my parents are on good terms.

Linda and I have never talked about our age difference in terms of it being sexy, but she knows I have a preference for older women, so I don't think she'd be surprised to know her age turns me on. We just don't talk about it because I'm afraid to make her self conscious. Its kind of the same way with her smoking. She knows it doesn't bother me, but I've never told her that I think she looks sexy when she smokes. I don't know how she'd take me saying that since I know its unhealthy.

A little bit about me: I'm a closet smoker and a closet cross dresser. Those two things are my biggest secrets- of course.

I started wearing my mother's clothes when I was 12 and I started smoking her cigarettes when I was 14, while wearing her clothes. There was a lot of masturbation going on at the same time. I dress up and smoke every chance I get. Neither my mom or Linda know I do this.

I've got several things going on in my head when I'm doing this. I think a lot about smoking like a woman- like my mom. That's why I like to wear women's clothes when I smoke. And sometimes I think about being able to smoke with Linda and My mom as one of the women and sometimes I think about just being able to smoke with them like an adult.

Smoking is as big of a taboo as crossdressing is to me. When I was younger, my mother told me that only bad kids smoked- bad boys and bad girls. It was an adult only habit. It was kind of confusing when I was younger because my mom was a girl and she smoked, but she wasn't bad. She was wonderful. Of course my mom wasn't really a girl. She was a woman. So I grew up with this tripple edged sword. Females that smoke are sexy. Girls that smoke are bad. Women who smoke are good. I think that's why I have a preference for older women that smoke.

When I was in high school, my mom wouldn't let me date girls that smoked or be friends with guys that smoked. She didn't want me hanging out with those kinds of kids. But she and her friends that smoked were fine.

Another thing going on in my life was my father, but wasn't exactly going on. He took orders from my mom, in much the same way I take orders from my wife. And Dad didn't smoke. When I was young, I thought he wasn't grown up enough to smoke. Besides, in my mind smoking was more of a woman's thing than a man's thing.

A little about my wife Linda. She's 49. She smokes about 2 1/2 packs of Virginia Slims cigarettes a day- the full flavor regular kind. She uses a leather cigarette case like my mom does. My mom smokes Benson & Hedges. Linda is an ultra conservative republican. She voted for Mcain and Palin. She doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't touch drugs. She's not a prude though when it comes to sex. We don't anything except the missionary position, but we do have sex a lot and we give oral sex to each other too. She smokes before and after we make love but never during sex. Of course I'd like her to, but I've never asked her.

I love Linda and I love being married to her. She's like my mom and my wife all in one package and to a guy like me, that's sexy as hell. One of the things that turns me on about her is that she's a good woman and a good Christian, but she smokes like a bad girl, but its okay and acceptable because she's old enough and she's an adult. That's what makes it okay for me to be with her. This is weird, but I really don't think my mom would approve of my being married to a girl my age that smokes. She would think the girl would be stupid or trashy.

I have my own clothes that I keep hidden in the basement and I wear whenever I get the chance to be alone. I don't have much, just a pair of panties, a bra, and a long silky nightgown.

I don't know how my wife would act if she caught me smoking. I doubt she'd believe I've been doing it for as long as I have. I'm kind of afraid she'd blame herself for me starting, even though I started a long time before I met her.

My greatest wish is that she'd be okay with me smoking and dressing up. The ultimate would be if I could dress up like a woman and smoke in front of my wife and Linda, but I know that's probably not going to happen.

Do you think there's a way to share this side of me with my wife without losing my marriage?

Thanks,
Kenny

Answer
Hey Kenny,

If you spoke to your wife about your "unhealthy" fetishes the same way you talked to me, there is a slim chance that she'll be into them. In fact, she might think you're weird and abnormal. Why? Because you think they're weird and abnormal. And they're not. Our fantasies are born from complicated areas of our lives all of the time. But, that doesn't mean we're freaks or that our fetishes are unhealthy. They are simply fantasies. Let them exist as such and embrace your kinkiness with a positive attitude. You're a pervert. You realized that there's so much more about your sexuality that stimulates you. It's a wonderful thing. So own it that way. And show her that your sexual tastes are deeply arousing for you.

Plan a night with no interruptions, one in which you and your wife can spend intimate time together. Seductively suggest that she smokes another cigarette while you're having sex. Tell her how sexy she looks and how it makes you feel. The more she's able to associate good feelings with smoking, the more comfortable she will feel when she plays with you. From there, tell her it turns you on to see her smoke. You could ask her to smoke a cigarette while you masturbate or play with her body. Make it fun for the both of you. The same goes for Age-play. This involves a form of role-play that mostly focuses on age differences between partners. Believe me, I can't see any older woman who doesn't want a lover that's turned on by her age. You obviously mean it in sincerity, so tell her. Tell her that you are attracted to her maturity. Tell her how sexy she looks in bed. Again, associate pleasurable feelings with pleasurable thoughts and fantasies. You want her to feel as fantastic as you do!

In regards to crossdressing, tell her straightforwardly, and remember to deliver the news like a sexy surprise or an extra perk that the two of you can share together. You can tell her how it makes you feel if she participated. Remember, you are sharing an incredibly sexy and exciting element of your sexuality with your wife. You shouldn't feel ashamed; in fact, you should pat yourself on the back for being an honest husband and companion to your wife. If she's opened to it, then start playing around with a piece of clothing. At first, implement just a pair of panties or stockings (she could put them on you as if dressing you for bed). Then, as you gauge her comfort and confidence in the fantasies, you can start to dress more like a woman and perform smoking scenes with your wife.

While there is a chance that she's okay with this, there's also a chance that might be uncomfortable with your tastes. That doesn't mean you have "issues". it only means that she isn't comfortable with that side of your sexuality just yet (or at all). In that case, I would recommend seeing a Professional Dominatrix. There are adult listings like Eros, which provides an informative list of professionals in cities across the country. They could find a dom that resembles your wife or your mother and describe your fantasy to her. You want to make sure it's someone who smokes and can help you become the lady you've always wanted to be, or you can request smoking sessions (The dominatrix smokes cigarettes for or with you). By visiting a professional, you can still play and explore your fetishes without potentially jeopardizing your marriage.

Remember that you want to be just as open-minded and giving as your wife is when it comes to exploring each other's fantasies. Ask her if she has any fetishes or kinks that she would like to try. Make this another advantage when talking to her. Show her that you're willing to give her pleasure however she wants it.

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