Expert: christina Cicchelli - 9/15/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi. I was hoping you could maybe explain what I think is maybe a fetish or just a fantasy. My wife and I have been married for more than 25 years and I consider her still stunning. I want to know as I have aged I find women who smoke very sexy even though I detest the act. I also want my wife to possibly use a strap on while she smokes and has her way with me. I have wanted this more and more and she is not adverse,what is wrong with me? Thanks for your help. B.A.

ANSWER: Hey B.A.

There is NOTHING wrong with you! Over time, our sexual identities can change, and this includes developing a fetish for certain acts that we may have deemed unfavorable in the past. I have shed light on very sordid acts in the past, and the product of one's' desire may often fall into three categories:

1) They may not know why they suddenly have affections for a particular fetish-object.

2) They cherish and adore the fetish-object; they recognize the beneficial, spiritual, and sometimes mystical properties of their fetish-object. (This may mean having prolonged exposure to the fetish-object).

3) They abhor the fetish-object so much that they subconsciously eroticize their displeasure. (For example: Transforming your dislike of smoking into an arousing past-time).

Also, as fetishists continue to embrace and indulge in their fantasies, they eventually discover that certain components of their fantasy turn them on more than others. For example, just because you find that women who smoke are sexy doesn't mean that smoking is sexy to you. You may even get turned on by the way the smoke is released from the pouty, red lips, of a woman's mouth. It doesn't matter which of the aforementioned qualities describe you the best. My advice to you is to enjoy your newfound kinky tastes.  

Have you spoken to your wife about this yet? I assume you have since she's game! The next step is to plan a playdate for the both of you. This is a special night that is free from distraction and unnecessary interruption. The term itself is self-explanatory: It's a time for the two of you to play with your fantasies.

The days leading up to this could be filled with anticipation. Let your wife know how you want your fantasy to unfold through dirty talk. Tell her it would turn you on if she did... You can masturbate or have sex and describe your fantasy to her. These are just some of the ways you can slowly incorporate your fetish into your normal sexual routine.

Tips for your wife about smoking - if you are both concerned about the health risks when smoking cigarettes, your wife should not inhale. Instead, she should suck in just enough cigarette smoke into her mouth that's comfortable for her. Then, she can slowly release the cigarette smoke. Her mouth will feel dry and taste a little funny, so make sure there's plenty of water around.

Tips about Strap-on - If you haven't used a dildo before, then I suggest building up to that monumental moment by starting with some playful, less intimidating activities. For example, have her finger you first so you can get used to the sensation. Go shopping together for butt plugs of different sizes, as well as other anal toys. Then, when you really feel ready (or when your wife thinks you're ready), have her surprise you with a strap-on dildo. There are strap-on kits for beginners available. If you click on the Good Vibes ad on my website (www.christinacicchelli.com), you can check out their selection of harnesses and strap-ons that may work best for you.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

CC



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I would like to know can you if possible recommend website or books that might help us plan the playdate. I am going to your site now. Thanks for the help. B.A.

Answer
Hey B.A.

I would suggest Violet Blue's "Fetish Sex: An Erotic Guide for Couples" - it has a wonderful section about planning that perfect night. I would also suggest checking out this article about a BDSM scene http://www.fetishexchange.org/scene-nego.shtml - while it talks mostly about BDSM, it touches upon some concepts to contemplate when creating your own scene.

For strap-on play, Nina Hartley's Guide to Strap on Sex is a great DVD (although I believe she uses it on other women, not men). A.H Dion's Strap-On has been recommended to me as well. These should also touch upon how to plan a night of exciting erotic fun!

I recently just finished shooting a video about the basics of BDSM and how to use power play and role-play in your scene. I will have to talk about planning the perfect play date next week! Thanks for the inspiration :)

Hope these help!

CC