AboutJ. Kyle Howard Expertise We are all multi-dimensional people with various degrees of likes and dislikes. When it comes to finding your purpose, we must take that into account. My intent is to help you to properly and easily define what would bring you the most joy in life, how to live on purpose, and how to live the life you are uniquely qualified to live. I will help you get all that is important to you, be all that you were created to be, and become the uniquely wonderful person living the wonderful life that is meant for you, your purpose in life
Experience I am a PCA (Personal Character Architect). I've been a PCA for over 15 years and have helped thousands achieve their life goals.
Organizations Helping Hands, Frontier Family Services
Publications Executive Excellence Magazine, Tazzinisms, define-your-purpose-in-life.com, Unleash Your Inner Penguin
Education/Credentials MBA providing team building, strategic planning and marketing to fortune 500 companies.
Expert: J. Kyle Howard Date: 3/29/2008 Subject: What do u suggest I should do ?
Question I am a 28 yrs male living in India. Just 6-7 months back I met a girl.Initially we were good friends and later on when I happen to join the same team as hers our friendship grew. We started liking each other and eventually we started dating each other. We were very close to each other and she lived alone in the city while I live with my family.Initially things were great and we spent a wonderful time together.We both work at same place. After a month or so we started getting really close. As in Indian culture its not good get into intimate physical relationship before getting married ,there was a time when I had to explain her that she was going too far. And she should think about her parents and not get flown with the tide. Now you may think I was a big fool but I really cared about her and I wanted her to apply restraint till we get married or our relationship matured.What I meant was not to go with the flow and loose yourself on the way.She realized that and she accepted that I was right. This way I gained her trust but I think I lost her love and interest in me.After that day she never comes close to me and there is a major difference in her behaviour.She has become very practical and always keeps me at a distance.When I spoke to her about this she says that she has realised something really important and said that we will remain as good couple ,when I know there is nothing like a good,decent couple.She cares about me but she hardly calls me that to I have to tell her to do so.She keeps on forgetting about things related to me.She has become very focussed about her career.When asked her about our relationship she says that yes she likes me but those three magic words have vanished from her mouth which I am dying to hear.We are still dating but there is not that love and affection left. I have tried all the ways to understand her strange behaviour by reading books on relationships like "Men are from Mars .." .But I am not getting my old girl back.She says that she is sure about me but not about herself and she can only think ahead about marriage after 2 years when she settles in her career.She is not asking me to wait till then but is not even
accepting that she loves me or not.She puts that question to me what is that I think whether she loves me or not.I have had an enormous emotional drainout but I still cant figure out what I should do. To add to my problem,my company is shifting to another city.She is also moving.I was also ready to move but her behavior,her approach towards me is troubling me.For her everything is fine in our relationship but for me there is something imp which is lacking.I don't know whether I should move to new city to follow my uncertain love and rewarding career or stay in the same city and get a new job and forget about her.I am enjoying my current job and don't want to loose the fun of exploring a new city ,new life because of my relationship issues.I can understand that 3 months of closeness could be very small for a serious thing like marriage but lack of affection is hurting me badly.On top of it she doesn't even understand my current mental state.She says that I am too emotional.Yes I am emotional and I am not ashamed of that and I want her to be happy. I am all confused.Every other day I come with a new approach but nothing substantial. My thoughts keep on changing with every moving day. I went to help her with good faith and intention but in return I think I lost her attraction and possibly love.She now thinks more about her family than me. Thats understandable .But I think even I deserve a proper place in her life. She wants to continue our relationship without commitment.And I know its too early but 2 years would be too much. Until 2 year she just hates thinking about anything else than builing career. Is is that love comes in between career.Its a powerful tool which can achieve most difficult targets.But she is not accepting it.She keeps me away from her and says that she gets excited and looses concentration in work when I touch her.I had no relationship in last many years .This is the first one I closely encountered. Should I go with the flow and take on life as it comes and goto new city or what ? Wait for some more time for relationship to mature or drop this relationship here. I am totally confused on what to do.
And last but not the least ,I want to know my purpose in life in midst of this confusion.
Can you help me in this ? I want to get back my love without sacrificing our careers. I want to come in peace with myself and arrive at a proper frame of mind.I don't know how do I do that .
I know this is too huge ,but I had to explain myself and my situation clearly .
Answer Raj,
It's time to face some hard facts. You mentioned that in the Indian culture sex is forbidden before marriage. I am going to assume that your lady love is Indian. If that is indeed the case then sex before marriage is a choice and has nothing to do with culture. What has happened is that you turned down a woman's affection for you. You bruised her ego. She had decided to have sex with you only to be hit with a cultural reason to not proceed.
Once a woman has decided that you are the one that she has chosen to be intimate with and you tell her no, you have inadvertently rejected her. Once she's felt rejection, it's hard for her to get over that.
You have to realize that the two of you see the same world from different points of view (men are from mars, women from Venus). That's fine and that's simply how it is. You two are simply speaking a different language now in terms of an intimate relationship. It sounds like she has moved on with her infatuation (not love) with you.
You are now being rejected and don't like the feeling. You want her to respond to you in a way that you want her to which is no different than what she wanted. It's a strange dance this romance thing but it is indeed what it is.
I suggest that you swallow your pride, focus on something else that will occupy your mind, and let your relationship go for awhile. I am not saying that your relationship is over. What I am saying is that it never got a chance to develop. It may have been more of a need for intimacy and you wanted more than what she was willing to give. By letting it go, it will work itself out.
The last thing you want to do is to apply pressure on her. Give her some space. If she doesn't call, it's because she doesn't want to so don't force it. The more you do the more distance she will demand.
You mentioned that you are emotional. There is nothing wrong with that, however, she may not see that as an attractive quality in men. Most women don't. They want you to be able to feel and understand at times; but for them to feel secure in you manliness, they expect a certain distance from emotions with men.
You also say that you love her. Do you? or do you simply want her to respond to you so that you will feel good about yourself. Rarely is it ever about the other person.
Raj, in terms of true love, it is about you expressing the true nature of yourself in a way that another person can understand. You can never truly love someone. You can, however, express who you are and that is generally defined as love. Check this out www.define-your-purpose-in-life.com/love.html to get a better understanding of what love really is. It will help you with this relationship and any future ones.
You've asked about your purpose. From your letter, you didn't mention much about anything else for me to go on. I would suggest that you go here www.define-your-purpose-in-life.com/discovering_your_purpose.html. Here you will go through a process to determine what's really in store for you. I will say that in all things, there exists something that you are here to do. That thing is the thing that only you can do. There is where you will find true happiness.
