Expert: J. Kyle Howard - 9/20/2009

Question
Hi

They say that "You should try to be who you are", "You should try to be you own authentic self" and stuff like that. But what if "who you are" is very ugly, dull and boring??

A friend of mine is very popular in my social circle because he sings at parties. When I too started singing, I got comments like "You should not copy others and try to be who you are". This left me thinking that why should I be who I was if I was dull and lazy in the first place? What about the room of improvement which people keep on talking about?

I have a brother who has a very quiet and reserved personality. His fiancé broker their engagement because he was not bold, confident and charming. On this occasion, my brother said the following words:

"This is the way I am like it or not. I cannot pretend to be somebody else. If you dont like me the way I am, it means you don't truly love me. True love is not about being confident, charming etc ..... its a connection of the hearts and souls ...."

My doubts were amplified when I read the following quotation: " I am somebody. I am me. I like being me. And I need nobody to make me somebody ".

My question remains the same: Why do we have to be the way we are? Or should I say, why do we have to be the way we *were*?

Thanks!

Answer
Hello Osman,
This is a great question. One that seems to confuse a lot of people. The confusion in this subject is the difference between who you are and what you do. The traits you mention about you and your friends are simply personalities. It's not who you are. Personalities can be easily changed by simply choosing to do or act differently.

Here's how it works. Decide what you wish to accomplish. Find a model or someone who has the traits that you wish. Allow your goal to determine how you act.

Here's an example. Let's say that you want to be a really good guitar player. Find someone you consider to be a good guitar player and find out what it this person does in order to be good at his craft, which is probably a lot of practice. So when you have a decision to make on how to spend your time, do what a good guitar player does (practice) as it will take you closer to your goal.

One last thing, don't be to concerned about what others think.

For more information: www.define-your-purpose-in-life.com