What to Do on a First Date/Confused
QUESTION: "There's this girl I've been talking to for 2 months. We use to talk and text all the time. I told her that I had a crush on her and she said she had one on me too. We had our first date 2 weeks ago she hugged me upon meeting and we went out for Chinese and then came back to my place. We talked for a little bit and I played her some music on my violin she stayed for about 4 almost 5 hours. I thought the date went well so after it ended. I asked if I could see her again and she said yes and then hugged me some more. When I texted to set up the next date she told me she would be out of town. Her whole mood and vibe was different she was distant and not very talkative. we shared a few more messages and she said she didn't feel like talking because she had lost custody of her son. Shes been going through some family drama. She asked if she could message me when she calms down. I said yes. Well later that week I saw her posting on facebook talking about how she wasn't going out of town until the following weekend. I messaged her and casually brought up the subject. She said she had a funeral to go to and that her trip was pushed back... A few days after the "funeral" I invited her on a second date. She didn't hug me upon meeting this time. I though that was kind of weird. We went out for pizza and then to the park we talked mostly about hobbies movies etc. When the date ended we finally hugged I asked if I could see her again and she eagerly said yes. Several days later I called to setup a date she didn't answer so I left a voicemail. As the day went on I sent her a facebook message in regards to the date. She didn't open my message and never replied to the voicemail. She has been being very distant. It started almost after our first date. I don't know if it's her family situation or what?? I mean she went from texting all day and half the night to not messaging at all. Well the day of the proposed date she reads my facebook message. She then sends me one saying that her facebook messenger wasn't working and that she was sorry she wasn't able to make the plans... I never replied. I haven't contacted her since Monday. I was thinking of texting her again to she if she'd like to reschedule but, I found out from a coworker that she came into the restaurant that I work at with another guy. Her status page still says single and she hasn't posted anything about seeing anyone. Should I try to reschedule a date or just call it quits? I honestly like this girl and I would love to get to know her. I thought she liked me too at least that's what she said. I don't know what to do! Any advice? Please and thank you."
ANSWER: Hi Cori,
From reading what you say, i find it very odd that she runs "hot and cold" and i think maybe she is not being truthful about her status. I would text once more to ask her out ,but if she doesn't reply i would just forget her, as i think she is either playing games or has issues that might not be something you would want to get into. Life is hard sometimes,so take it calmly and don't push it with her. So, text her, let her reply and go from there. If she doesn't make contact or gives "cryptic" answers or leaves messages on FB that contradict her so called "status" then walk away.
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QUESTION: Thank you Graham. So how should I go about texting her? I haven't contacted her since last Monday. Like what is the best way to word the message? I usually call or text her with a specific date and time and list of activities that we would be doing. Should I instead ask her what day she would be available to go on a date? It's also weird to me that she has ran "hot and cold" and how should I respond if she says she doesn't know when she'll be free? If she ways that I was just thinking of telling her call or text me if and when you want to go out. The whole situation has been very weird. Thank you kindly for your advice and help.
ANSWER: Hi again Cori,
I would keep the text simply and short;something like,"hey, thought i would drop you a line can we meet for a coffee" with this simply request its showing her you are open and not pushing her.Now, that said, if she replies then you have something to work on,if she doesn't answer in a reasonable time frame, (i would say about a day or two)then i would then move on ,but if she at some point reaches out to you, then that is down to you to decide what to do. Remember,as much as you might like her,do NOT LET her ruin your day or week with her non-committal reaction. You could ,of course, go with what you said you might do and say" text or ring me when your free" although that does show her that you are being patient,but also shows you might be pushing her. To be honest Cori, she does sound very confused herself,and i suggest caution in pursuing her.
Good luck Cori, i am happy i could help, and if i can offer any more help i will.
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QUESTION: Thank you for your help Graham. You were right unfortunately it seems as though she was just playing games. She agreed to go on another date but I still had my suspicions. I kind of forced her hand and she finally came clean and told me that she reconnected with an old friend and things have been to progressing. She then asked if I'd still be her friend and if i'd give her music lesson because learning the violin has always been a dream of hers she even offered to pay me. I replied "No I won't be able to give you any music lessons. I'm sure you can find a violin teacher just google it or check the yellow pages. I appreciate the fact that you finally decided to be honest and tell the truth for once instead of continuing to lie and attempting to mislead. It's not very nice or mature to play with peoples emotions and feelings... I appreciate you coming forward now but you know you could have just been upfront and honest a lot sooner and maybe you would have retained a friend in the process. I wish you the best of luck on your future endeavors and hope that you will have learned something from this scenario." I then deleted her from my social media pages and phone. She sent me an apology message( it's in the attached files.) I waited a week and then I refriened her on facebook. I was actually thinking of accepting her apology and trying to be friends but then I found out that she had been secretly talking to and messing around with one of my coworkers at the same time that she was talking to me... He claims that nothing happened between them and they only kicked it once. He says she just came to his place one time after he got off work one night and they just sat around smoking, drinking, and talking. I didn't even know she did stuff like that. He says they messaged for a few weeks after that and he sent her nude photos of himself and that she told him she would've taken it farther that night if he had wanted to. He claims that she quit talking to him 3 weeks ago and that he hasn't heard from her since. He says he didn't know that she and I were talking and that he got played too just not as bad as me. I don't see how he claims to not know she and I were all over facebook. He says one day we'll look back on this and laugh... Well I don't find any of it funny. I feel so blind sided and stupid for falling for her. I feel used because every date I would pay for everything and then give her $20 gas money. I even helped her find lawyers etc for her child custody hearing. I tried to be the perfect gentle man and do everything right. I don't know why I'm asking I guess I just need affirmation but, Did I do the right thing by cutting her out of my life? I'm thinking of deleting her from my fb again. I've also began looking for a new job. How can avoid getting played, used, and humiliated in the future? Thank you for all your help.
Well, she did in fact "play" you, but in her mind she didn't see how her own life was developing;this said, its clear that being a friend would be nice, but sometimes life does move away from the path you want. ( i know only too well how this feels Cori). Now, as you have a mature head on your shoulders i would indeed reconsider the Facebook situation. Her thinly veiled apology is, I'm afraid the best you will get. As i said in her mind, she has moved her life in another direction; you could "leave the door open" but she has made her mind up it seems. I wish you luck. Please let me know how it all "pans out" for you. Just to be clear Cori, you did the right thing, you did treat her as a gentleman should, but she wasn't being a " lady" in return to you.