AboutRabbi Sue Levy Expertise I will be happy to answer questions about Jewish customs and beliefs relating to death and mourning and how these are observed by the different movements in the Jewish community. I can discuss the content of the Jewish funeral service as well as options from which you may choose. I can also suggest some important questions which one may want to ask a rabbi or funeral director when planning a funeral service.
Experience I have been a rabbi for twenty-two years and have served congregations in the Reform, Conservative and Reconstructionist movements. I taught an undergraduate course in Death and Dying at Temple University in Philadelphia and have taught classes in Jewish mourning customs in numerous locations. I am also a widow. My experience as a mourner enabled me to see, in a very practical way, which of the traditions, "worked" for me and which did not. One of the most important things I learned is that, even for Jews who do not accept the authority of Jewish law, many of the traditional practices have enormous psychological wisdom. I can offer both an educated an sympathetic ear.
Question I have a disagreement with my wife. My Grandmother passed away this morning and the funeral is Thursday. We both agree to not take our kids (ages 4 and 6)to the funeral service, but I would like to bring them to my Aunts house with all the relatives afterwards. Is there anything wrong with doing so. I know this isnt a religious question but would like to have a Rabbi's opinion, thanks
Answer Dear Brad,
It is absolutely appropriate to take children to a shiva. If you read the Mourner's Kaddish in English you will see that in the midst of sadness it reminds us that there is goodness and hope in the world. The reverse is also true. At our times of great joy, we remember that there is sadness and pain in the world, which is why we break a glass at the end of a wedding.
The presence of your children at a shiva will remind people that the sadness they are feeling exists in the midst of a world that is filled with hope and the promise of new life.
Speaking as the grandmother of a four-year-old, I would say that the most important thing is not to take the children at an hour when they will be overtired and likely to behave badly. It is perfectly acceptable to take a quiet toy for each of them and to put them in a part of the house where they can spend some of the time, while you are visiting with people, away from the rest of the gathering. With my own grandchildren, a couple new coloring books and a box of crayons would do the trick.
I feel especially comfortable about bringing children when the deceased lived a long life, and this would be true of someone who was old enough to have great-grandchildren. This is not the tragic death of someone young for which people would be in deep, perhaps inconsolable, mourning.
In another couple years, your children will both be at an age where it would also be fitting to take them to a funeral. There are some beautiful books written to introduce children to the realities of death and mourning. They see that flowers die, that pets die, that things become old, etc. And, it is good for them to see that people are treated lovingly and with respect when they are gone.
I would suggest that you take them with you for the unveiling. You can talk to them then about respect, about how we honor the dead, about having a place to visit and remember her, and will be a time that is much less emotionally exreme than a funeral. They should know what cemeteries are and not be afraid of them. You might take them around to look at some of the other gravestones, show them the trees, let them look for birds, etc. Your goal should be, in whatever experience, for them to see that we accept death as a normal part of life.
Right now you can talk to them about those things, and tell them what to expect at the shiva. You can tell them about the candle that burns for a week, and then show it to them. It is a symbol of God's presence being there to comfort mourners. They are old enough now to know that there are happy times and also sad times in the lives of all people. If they know that they are going someplace where people are sad, they will probably respond with appropriate behavior.
The reality is that, if there are a lot of people there immediately following a funeral, very few of them will act appropriately. Many adults go back to a house of mourning and treat it as a family reunion or a time to visit with friends, and it often looks more like a party. If the shiva is going to continue after the day of the funeral it might be better to take them then, simply because it will mean much less to them to see a party.
You haven't told me whether the children were close to their great-grandmother. The kind of discussion you should have with them beforehand will depend very much upon whether this is really a loss for them. If it is a loss, they should be given the ability to express that by talking about her at home and knowing that it is OK to be sad when they remember her. It will also be important for you to remind them of all the good times they shared with her, so that their loss can be mingled with joy. They can be encouraged to draw pictures of something nice that they shared with her, and you can hang these pictures up for a while.
It is a gift to expose your children to these realities at a time like this before they, inevitable, experience the death of someone tho whom they are very close.
