Expert: Cteavin - 11/19/2007

Question
Hi,
My name is Bryce and I am a college freshman just out of High School. I've been quite openly gay since around the end of the seventh grade, but I don't really have much dating/ flirting experience (I've had on boyfriend who was really sweet but it didn't work out with). I guess I'm kinda' shy with guys, which is kind of ironic because I'm an actor/dancer/model who has no problem dancing shirtless at the center of a crowds attention. I think it makes for a kind of awkward let down when guys meet me and realize I'm not such a vixen.
Anyway, on to the problem at hand. I met this guy about a year ago who was exes with a girlfriend of mine. I pretty much developed an instant crush on said guy but figured "well he's straight get over it." However, I soon learned that he was bi. We went to different high school and didn't really cross paths much until this past summer. We started commenting on each others facebooks and we went to a couple of the same parties and all of a sudden I couldn't stop thinking about him. Unfortunately, at the end of the summer he left LA to go to SF State. The last time I saw him before he left we were really flirty and we ended up cuddling a little and at the end of the night (around 6 am) we shared a quick kiss (really quick no tongue). Since he left we've been casually chatting online and we started texting each other quite a bit and I really like him. He told me I could come visit him (which I haven't been able to) and we've been planning our reunion over his thanksgiving break... which is now.
Fast forward to last night. He had been in town for a couple nights and our efforts to get together had been ineffective. So he asks me if I want to clubbing with him and I agree. I was really excited and really nervous and really drop dead gorgeous 'cause I had been anticipating seeing him for so long. So when I finally get to his house to pick him up he gets in my car and he's not quite like I remembered... He's better. Hotter, just as smart and funny. So we went to this club and we danced for hours, sometimes really close (like dirty dancing crotch to thigh). But, for some reason there seemed to remain some kind of distance between us. I was trying to be confident, make moves and I did kind of (dancing close to him, touching his neck his arm)but he didn't seem to be making any moves back so I think started to get kinda insecure. He said he knew a public pool/hot tub we could sneak into so we went and jumped the fence and swam in our boxers it seemed like it should have been romantic, but it wasn't it was more like we were buddies. He flirts with me, but it doesn't lead to anything we sneaked into a public hot tub at like 1 am and he didn't even try to kiss me. On top of it, he kept talking about girls! He divulged about this girl he likes at Davis and the girls he'd hooked up with in the hot tub we were in, and he checked out the girls at the club we were at. I don't know if what we did even counts as a date. I mean I picked him up and we did these things ALONE, he knows I like him, but it was like we were two buds who just dance very intimately and at the end of the night another quick kiss. AAAAAAAAGGGHH! He did tell me I could spend the night at his house but I had to get home (I was already really late my mom flipped) and he didn't invite me in for like coffee or anything so... I don't understand what's going on. Was it a date? Does he like me? Is he straight? I don't get it.
Could you help me out (now that I've written a dissertation)?
Thanks,
Bryce

Answer
First of all, thanks for the question.

Was it a date?  Yes, it was.  

Did you blow it?  No.  He was just looking and trying you on  for size.  He decided you weren't what he was looking for and he put you back on the rack.  That's it.  It happens all the time.  I say he deserves credit for trying and if I were you I'd give him a nod for going out.  What you don't want to do is be obsessive over it:  

Let it go.  

It's over.  There is no need for a reply, no need to spar again.  If you can handle it, continue to be his friend; if you can't, give your friendship a break.  If he asks why you're not calling/messaging back, tell him you dug (dig) him and didn't get the same vibe back and so need a break.  Honesty never hurts in this situation.      

Lastly, there is no reason to take his disinterest personally.  It happens.  However, if this continues to happen, if you find it difficult to get a date or maintain a dating-type relationship then you're going to need to assess how you come across to other people, i.e. your technique.

Said again, you had a fun night with a great guy and it didn't work out.  Don't worry about it and move on.  If this  is a reoccurring theme in your life then sit down for some good old introspection.

Hope this helps,

steven