AboutMatt Expertise I can answer questions on coming out, sexuality confusion and reactions from friends and family - I have been through all of this myself. Feelings, thoughts and does the "he/she like me" stages too. I may be younger than some of the experts but I am talking from 1st hand experience and I know what it is like. Having problems at school or don't know how to tell people? I can help with that too. Don't hestitate to ask me your questions, I am here to help.
Experience I am a bisexual teen who has come out to family and friends. I have been through the stages of "Am I gay or am I bi?", the reactions and opinions of students at school and also had trouble from people because of my sexuality. It is something I feel strongly about and want to help others, like AllExperts helped me.
Education/Credentials I am still in full-time education and yet to have taken my GCSE's. I have predicted grades of A-C at GCSE and have been offered a provisional place at the Sixth Form at the school I now attend.
Expert: Matt Date: 7/21/2008 Subject: I have issues
Question I really need someone to listen right now.
It's even hard for me to type these words, but I am a closeted gay college student. I guess I'm bi, but it's the liking men part of it that's tearing me apart.
I've never come out, or even purposely hinted about it to anyone. Kids made fun of me a lot because I guess they could tell, but once they would talk to me I could change their minds.I can play sports and am pretty good at a lot of "guy" stuff which helps, but I'm still insecure when anyone talks about anything homosexual.
I think it's definitely crossed a lot of people's minds before, but girlfriends and church involvements have kept them quiet for a while, even though there are plenty behind me back Im sure.
Now I'm in college, and its getting so hard. I think about it all the time. Throughout my day it occupies my every thought. I'm involved and have lots of friends, and I;m not a suicide risk anymore(at all, no worries) but I still get depressed when I think about my life. Let's just say I stay busy.
I never wanted to like men at all. Just born a sensitive person, combined with a shitty older brother and phobic father, made me that way. Pretty early in life I showed glaring signs. I was messing around believe it or not, around kindergarten with a neighbor my same age. He is now one of my best friends, and we did "stuff" for like 6 years during sleepovers. But he's very religious too.
We're a religious family, and I'm legitimately into being a Christian, but it constantly depresses me to think about my future...I'll be alone.
I've made out with girls (I like it too, or maybe just kissing) but to make matters worse, I couldn't even get a boner when making out and rolling around in a bed with one, and it scared me so much. I played the "I'm uber-religious and we'll go too far" card, but it crushed my self worth. I was planning on just keeping my attraction inside forever and having a happy family. Now I have no chance of that.
I've been addicted to pornography, all gay, since the 6th grade, but yet I'm scared to be out. I'm scared what I'll become.
I worry too much about what others think, and plus, a lot of gays are very intimidating and seem very self-centered, almost predatory in their male pursuits. That scares me. I don't want to be one of those bitter, there's no love just sex, kind of people.
When I started high school my family changed their minds, but before they thought I was gay way before puberty, and used every chance they could to tell me it was wrong.
Little things like my dad saying he wished I was more like my brother while chatting to the neighbors, or my brother hating me for reasons I didn't understand.
I idolized my sister (8 yrs older than me, and she saved me from bro's wrath a lot) but after watching some movie with a gay couple in a tiny role, she looked me in the eyes in front of my whole family and said "If anyone in my family were EVER gay, I'd disown them like that."
So...here I am in limbo, wishing I could pop one with girls, wishing my attraction would go away, despising my lingering glances and scared to move.
I'm guessing you'll tell me to come out to someone I trust, and I'm planning on going to my college's free therapy and doing it there, but otherwise i dont think I can do it. I dont want to have this, but at the same time I like that people think twice about me, and that I attract both sexes.
Is there any hope for me?
I've been doing lots of research about homosexuality being genetic, with the multiple son theory and finger ratios and what not, but my dad's love was non existent until about 10th grade, so the damage had mostly been done.
Phew, thank you so much for reading this far. I'm surprised how easy that was.
I dont know if I ever want to come out, but I fear I'll be that creepy old man that regrets living his lonely life because he was trying to please everybody and never let himself love.
Please tell me you care, or that you know what I'm going through, or just reply to me with anything. I need someone to know me for me, even if it's only through my painful email.
Thanks, Jack
Answer Hey Jack,
I am not that sure what to say to you as you don't seem to have asked a specific question. I am a strong believer of not having a male presence or male love (like you have said you lacked) in early years of life has some connection with homosexuality. I don't know why but most gay people I know have been through the same situation in the younger years of their life too. It is not an excuse but somehow makes a little sense of how things work, but why? I don't know.
I can see why you are scared of coming out and in your situation I wouldn't recommend it at all and this can make it a lot harder for you. I would suggest telling that person in therapy as it get's it off your chest and also this person will be professionally trained in helping you too.
I wish you all the luck and do get in touch or ask follow-up question if you need to. Thanks,
Matt
