Expert: Jessica - 9/6/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hey Jessica, i was just searching the web and find out bout this site and decided to ask a question myself. Im a gay 17 year old, and i have a crush on one of the football jocks. You see, back about 2 years ago i decided i had to tell the guy everything so i myspaced it. He didnt sday anything back to me and he didnt say anything to anyone in school. Prob a month went by when people started talking bout it so i knew he had told. It was such a big deal as it was last year. People would just talk and say his name whenever i passed them. The thing i cant figure out is why he has never said anything bad to me and when we were partners in spanish together, he was nice, didnt bring it up and didnt act like a jerk like his friends. Hes a very good looking guy, looks very clean, dresses nice, has only dated 1 girl i know of and like i said earlier, hasnt said or done anything cruel to me. Sometimes i wonder if hes gay himself but just not admitting it. We dont talk and i dont wanna have to start it since im afraid to repeat it all to his friends. Im just wondering if there was any other way i could find out if he is gay, im not saying im looking for an exact answer, but something that could maybe help me. Ive liked him since freshman year, and were both seniors now. I never can stop thinking about him and when i try, it doesnt last long. Can u please try to give me some advice and stuff. I really would appreciate it. Thanks



ANSWER: Hello Matthew,

Thank you for your question.

Well, do you ever catch this guy staring at you? What feeling do you get from him? Do you feel that he is gay? Was he close with his girlfriend? Intimate or the type of 'stay an arms length'?

How about you start showing him some signs first? Try and get close to him, smile at him, hints like that and see how he reacts.

I think that best way is to talk to him face to face. He can't avoid in this manner.

I hope that I have helped you and do feel free to write back anytime. I am available here unless I max out.

Good luck & take care,

Jessica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Well i dont really see him staring as i try not to look over by him when his friends are around. When i see him i just feel like nothing else matters, when i start to think whether he is gay or not, i just get all down about it. I do have a feeling he has some gay in him, even if its just bi. Im not real sure how he was with his gf, but i know it didnt really last long.

And idk how to get him to talk to me because i dont want his friends to start stuff again. I get too nervous when around them, not him. Is there anyway that u think can get him to maybe talk to me bout it, but having nothing to do with his friends?

Thanks so much Jessica

Answer
Hey Matthew,

Nice to hear from you again.

Well, how about sending him an email or writing him a letter?

Uh, see whether he ever stares at you or look at other guys.

Anyhow, if he really cared about your feelings, why would be tell his friends what you've told him? What's the psychology behind such a thing?

Jessica

A person doesn't make a conscious choice to be gay. Homosexuality stems from either a learnt behavior or hurts, wounds, issues. Having said that, have you ever been abused (physical, verbal, sexual, emotional)? How about raped or molested? Are your parents divorced? There is no solid scientific proof that gay is a result of chemical imbalance or due to hormones. I believe that homosexuality builds up depending on the environmental factors.

An example: Jim didn't have many friends in school and hang around with the girls only. So, he got picked on and bullied by the boys. However, he found ways that could please his boy classmates and lead them to accepting him. How did Jim please the boys? By maybe doing anything he was asked of. Simple situation of neglect affects psychologically. I know, high level of complexity.