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Gay/Lesbian/Bi Teens/How can I tell and am I wasting my time? :(

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Hello Chrissy! Hope you're well :)
My names Sophia, I'm 19 and I'm recently coming to terms with the fact that I'm Bi.
Please can you help me, I'm so confused right now. I've just started college and there's this girl in her second year who I really like. Proper crushing on her, I think she just gorgeous in every way!I don't know why but I get butterflies when I think about her, never really got this before. We talk whenever we can, she seems really shy and reserved most of the time with people. Yet again she does talk once you get talking, although sometimes when I talk to her she sort of folds her arms or fiddles with her hands an and goes a little shy.Also if I try to catch her eye she will stay focused on what she's doing but other times she'll look and smile. I have caught her looking at me sometimes and quickly looking away. And other times she'll be quite open and giggly. When we make eye contact I feel there could be something there, although I'm scared I could be reading into things and there's actually nothing there. And when I message her I usually get a reply shortly after but after a while she wont reply and she just lets the conversation die out. So now I really cant tell whether she's straight, gay or bi? She never talks about boys when the other students do. I looked on her facebook and it sayes nothing about her sexuality, its hidden. So I just can't tell! I know the best way to find out is to get to know her and become friends, which I'd like but its really difficult to find time alone with her at college or after. So what to do, I'm confident once I get talking just not quite sure how to approach this one! :-( I need to find out if she's straight or not first before I do anything because otherwise it'll just be so awkward for the rest of college.
Please help! :-(

Thank you so much :-)

Answer
Hey Sophie, thanks for writing. Firstly sorry for the slight delay. I was out of town but I am back now.

Well sounds like she's a bit of a mystery. From what you've said there are some *possible* signs on interest. The eye contact and the looking away quickly could suggest she's into you but being coy or shy to express it. Then again folding her arms or letting the conversation fizzle out might mean she's not interested.

So what you need to do is observe her with other people. How does she act with her friends? Is she usually reserved or vivacious? Does she always cross her arms or is she an affectionate person? Use her behaviour patterns with other people to get a sense of how she reacts. It's like finding a benchmark. Then you'll be in a better position to compare and contrast her reactions towards you.

As for getting closer to her I'd say definitely try to get some time alone. If you can find a way to engineer a small group of people together - not a party but maybe a study group - you can also invite her over. I think 5 people will be a good amount and then she won't feel uncomfortable. It doesn't have to be academic but that might be a good first excuse. Then when you build comfort with her and find some common interests it will be easier for you to find reasons to be alone together.

When it comes to sussing out her sexuality, I would say keep things fun and playful. Humour usually lowers people's defences. Play come cute games like Thumb Wars to see if she's happy touching you. One thing that always works for me (but make sure you guys are somewhat close and comfortable with each other first) is to talk in the third person or to give each of you a character so when you talk about things like dating and relationships it isn't you talking, it's the characters (but really it allows you to be more honest without feeling vulnerable).

Hope some of that helps. Let me know how it goes.

Chrissy  

Gay/Lesbian/Bi Teens

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Chrissy S

Expertise

I can answer questions relating to coming out, relationships, dealing with men/women in romantic contexts and general anxieties about dating. I can also answer questions with self-confidence and presenting yourself well i.e. "love coaching" to make yourself as eligible as possible. I've also had a lot of examples when things have gone 'badly' and can advise how to make the best of things and get back on your feet.

Experience

Being openly bisexual I have experience in dealing with men and women and the nuances of being in relationships with both. I also am a bit of an old-fashioned romantic so have ideas and suggestions for dates and surprises, romantic etiquette and fun tailored to both men and women taken from my own experience (good & bad). I've also had many interesting adventures in the dating world which have given me a bit of rounded perspective with things. And having graduated from Uni I too am experiencing a transition from college to 'real world' dating which shapes my view on things. I've gone from a sofa Romeo to a real one (matter of opional!) which has taught me much about applying oneself to romance.

Organizations
University LGBT Society.

Education/Credentials
University and Masters graduate in Literature and Film Studies so I am well-read which gives me somewhat of a grounded 'academic' view on things. I've also read many books on Love, dating and related subjects. Likewise with movies. I'm also a bit of an old-fashioned nerd so am quite into a good date and know some hotspots in London, not to mention a good love poem which never went awry. Avid believer and reader of personal development materials so can help people with self-improvement or at least refer them to a useful book.

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